No big deal?

I am going to attempt to explain something that I hope will be helpful to the suffering wives of lust addicts.  I hope I don't mess it all up and offend everyone! I am not nearly as articulate as the majority of you awesome sisters seem to be, and I have more trouble forming my thoughts into lucid sentences and paragraphs. I can't speak for our sisters who struggle with pornography addiction and I don't know whether what I have to say will apply at all to them and their relationships, so I speak on behalf of the guys mostly. 

It probably won't make any sense at all to you. And it shouldn't because it's insane.   It may go against every feeling that you have ever had on the topic.

Let me be clear that I no longer feel the way that the men I am about to describe feel.  I know better now because of what I have experienced in my own marriage and even more because of what I have learned from your blogs. 
  
Your actively addicted spouse didn't or doesn't see his viewing of pornography as being unfaithful. That is why he is a little bit shocked at how severely you react when you find out about it.  He knows it is wrong, yes.  He knows it will make you unhappy if you know about it.  That's one of the reasons why he works so hard to keep it hidden.  But it doesn't quite FEEL like cheating to him.  He may have even told himself  "Well, at least I'm not cheating on my wife". 

How could this possibly be?  To nearly every woman that I've seen or heard from, it seems very much like a betrayal of the marital vows.  It causes her to curl up in a ball of anguish and tears.  And her husband watches, baffled. 

Addicted men seem to feel that the fantasy associated with pornography and masturbation is a lot closer to just thinking about it than actually doing something about it.  Like the difference between thinking horrible angry thoughts of how you are going to get even with someone who has offended you, and actually doing something horrible to that person; it feels like the former rather than the latter.   I don't know if it's because of the testosterone coursing around in our veins, some evolutionary (if there is such a thing) difference, or just the early start to the masturbatory fantasy life of most males, but we don't really (at least initially)get the hurt that it causes our spouses. 

Now, I have no way of proving my next hypothesis.  I am not seeking to justify the sin, rationalize it, or minimize it, and I may be a complete idiot, but my suspicion is the following:  If you were to reverse the roles, if it were the wife confessing the addiction, my guess is that the husband would be surprised, because he would have been sure that his wife was a bastion of virtue, he might begin to have some self esteem issues, or other questions, but he would most likely not be curl-up-in-a-ball devastated. He most likely would not see it as a very serious threat to the relationship. (Even if, knowing what we all now know about addiction, it actually WAS a serious threat.)

I do not mean to imply by this that husbands are more forgiving than wives.  I certainly don't mean to imply that wives are wrong for feeling the way that they do.  In fact, I feel that wives are absolutely right for feeling the way that they do.  It is offered only as an observation, an opinion which you may take or leave as you wish.  And if I'm right, I would further guess that it is because we would have been deluded by satan.  

Looking back, I see now how satan (I don't capitalize his name, intentionally) uses this tactic to achieve his objectives, which are essentially to destroy the family and to cause misery. 

What starts out as an innocent discovery of a bodily function progresses one small step at a time, from thoughts to images, to more and more graphic images, to flirtations to...this...to....that...to....the other thing...and onto...the affair or the prostitute or other perversion.  By the time he realizes that he has moved well beyond a harmless fantasy, he feels trapped and hopeless, lost in a world of uncontrollable lust.  By this time those flaxen cords have become the strong cords spoken of by Nephi. 

Now how do I end this entry on a positive note?  Where is the hope in all of this? 

It starts here, in the book of Moses 6:55, in the Pearl of Great Price, where "the Lord spake unto Adam saying:  Inasmuch as thy children  are conceived in sin, even so, when they begin to grow up, sin conceiveth in their hearts, and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good." 

At some point that addict is going to taste the bitter.  It's going to be rammed down his throat until he's choking on it.  In recovery, the term for that is "rock bottom".  He then has a choice to make.  He may act wisely, deciding that he'd like to try something sweeter, acknowledge his powerlessness and turn toward God, or he may "kick against the pricks".  The Lord will never remove his agency. 

If he elects to acknowledge his powerlessness and reach out to God and his Savior, there is a great deal of hope! We pray that that day will come before the swath of destruction is so long and wide that he loses his family and everything else of any real value. There is no sure way of knowing whether or not that will happen, or if it is destined to happen, when. 

There may be clues, however.  The Spirit may be whispering to you that the prospects are good. 

Or there may be behaviors that are simply intolerable and demand immediate protective action.  I have come to the conclusion that some relationships are just out and out rotten on nearly every level.  I do not condemn those who have extricated themselves from such relationships.  As addicts, we are NOT free to choose the consequences of our sins.  From my experience so far in Sexaholics Anonymous, I have seen several instances in which a separation lead to a rock bottom, which lead to recovery.  My present thinking, which is subject to revision, is that whatever a wife can do to get her husband to rock bottom speedily, may be the best way to stop the hemorrhaging.  How to go about that?  I can't say.  Listen to the Spirit.

Continuing in Moses 6:57, "Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God..."  and vs. 59, ...."even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory." 

I'm in the midst of that cleansing process now.  I'm counting on the blood of the Savior.  The pain is not yet over, though things are really, really looking up! 

I expect to not ever forget the sting of the hurt that I have caused or felt.  I do however, envision a day where I will feel completely forgiven.  I also expect to have a greater amount of empathy for my struggling brothers and sisters.

I know that I am an addict, and that addiction is "cunning, baffling, and powerful".  I am striving to prepare myself against that day when I am confronted again with a strong temptation.  I know that day will come.  But if the past two months are any indication, I am also coming to know that I can live virtually my whole life without having to "go there" in my mind. That is giving me GREAT HOPE for myself and for others. 

To all of you awesome folk out there:  I LOVE YOU!!!! Peace, brothers and sisters!  Have faith!  Have hope! Have Love!  Dan