Guest Post

I’ve never written a blog before and do not know where to start.   My husband had been encouraging me for some time to write a guest blog and perhaps read his blogs.  Unfortunately, I picked a time to read his blogs when I was feeling down and upset.  As I read, I felt like a scab had been peeled away and instead of revealing fresh, newly healed skin; it pulled tender flesh away and left it deeper and bleeding profusely.  It was at this time, that I lashed out at the man I love more than anything in the world. 

On March 18^th he wrote, “I'm writing to let you know that I'm still in the fight.  I've been knocked down.  I'm bloody.  I'm tired.  I'm staggering a little, but I'm back up off the mat.”  I then proceeded to knock him down again, and this time he’s still trying to find his feet.  I only hope that he can forgive me for my insecurities and weaknesses. 

My husband and so many other righteous men are truly white knights.  They are fighting a battle to the death and Satan is afraid of losing.  Satan doesn’t fight fair; he uses weapons of mass destruction and small thin rapiers.  Pornography is akin to chemical warfare and has the power to destroy families.  My husband was on the lookout for this, but when I twisted history and used bitter words, they were like a knife straight to the heart. 

I wish I was the wonderful wife that he thinks I am.  My goal for this life is to be as loving, and serving, and forgiving and Christ-like as my husband already is.  I wish you all the best as you continue to fight this battle; either as a warrior, or the ground support personnel.  God bless you.

The Fight

I'm writing to let you know that I'm still in the fight.

I've been knocked down.  I'm bloody.  I'm tired.  I'm staggering a little, but I'm back up off the mat.

A consequence of relapse is having to detox again.  It sucks, simply put.

My interview with the bishop went well.  He is patient and understanding.  He is interested in what I have been learning about addiction and addiction recovery.

My SA meeting last night was interesting.  Someone with over a year of sobriety lost it this past week.  He was upset, to put it mildly.  Not verbally so.  Barely said anything.  Looked a lot like I feel. 

My sponsor told me that relapses aren't a part of recovery.  I knew that, of course, hypothetically.  Still want to believe that I will have learned something from it, though.  Something that will help me prevent another slip. 

It's an awful transition, to go from a place of sweet surrender to a place where I'm battling from moment to moment. 

This week I'm determined to make calls daily.  I need to read recovery lit. daily.  I need to journal daily.  I need to inventory daily.  I need to read scriptures daily.  There are a lot of things I need to do daily.  It's harder when you don't want to do any of it. 

And then there's the danger of thinking that by doing all of those things, I am saving myself.  It can just be self-effort.  Self effort without surrender is precisely what brought me to this point.  Surrender without following the plan won't work either.  I've gotta do both.  Consistently.  I need to be concerned with pleasing my Savior more than myself.

I cannot indulge the temptation to take lust hits if I want to be free of the misery.  Not even from my wife.  Not even in the most innocent (to the outward observer)of ways. She can be very willing to appease me, bless her heart.  I love her very much.  She doesn't get all of this.  Heck, I don't know if I really want her to. 

Triggers stink.  And now the world is suddenly full of them.  It wasn't!  Looking at a blank wall can trigger me!  What happened?

I let it in, and now I don't like it.  It is a guest that has overstayed its' welcome.  I knew it was a bad guest.  Why did I let him through the door? 

But today is a new day, just like each day, what will I do with this one?

God Bless,

Love, Dan

Uh, Oh.

I'm feeling like Boromir after he tried to grab The Ring from Frodo.  You know, when he came out of his stupor and was distraught that he had betrayed and attacked the one he was sworn to protect.

Or perhaps it was more like Mowgli, entranced by the eyes of the snake.  Now I've been shaken out of it.

I accessed porn yesterday and masturbated (there, I spelled it all the way out) for the first time in 116 days.  I have complicated it for myself by not "finishing" the act.  Kind of anti-climactic, pardon the pun. 

I feel awful.  The addict inside of me is screaming for me to hide it.  After all, it didn't "really" happen, did it?

Then I remember the line from the SA white book,  "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally  incapable of being honest with themselves."

That's been one of my big struggles, like all other addicts.  Kind of doesn't even need to be said, right?  Addicts struggle with honesty. 

But, a few months ago I committed to a certain course.  I knew this day could come.  I just didn't want to believe that it would.  I said that if I should slip, that I would confess it to you, my wife, the bishop, and my sponsor within 24 hours.  The bishop could be tough, but I'll see him on Sunday, at the latest.

This is where "the rubber meets the road."  This is where I see whether or not I'll just continue to do what I've always done.  Hide it.

Another thing I've always done is beat myself up really bad afterward.  I don't think that is helpful.  I've got to be nicer to myself.  After all, this is a good thing that I'm doing, isn't it?  So many times I've read about the deep pain that the addict causes his spouse, not so much because he is weak, but because he can't be honest with her.  I don't want to be that guy anymore.  I won't be. 

She instinctively pulled back last night.  A part of her knows.  Maybe not her conscious mind, but some part of her.  I'll tell her in the morning.  I couldn't sleep, it's been bothering me so.  We have a God-ordained spiritual connection.  I feel her pain, she feels mine.  I need to let her know, so that she can see that her instincts are right on. 

I'm in mourning.  It's such a sad thing. 

The up-side is that I had at least 114 lust free days that I wouldn't have had otherwise.  I'm still new to the path of real recovery.  It's painful sometimes.  That's the nature of addiction.  It's painful for me.  It's painful for my loved ones.

I'm learning about the atonement.  I'm learning that lust addiction and the associated sins are just like all of the other sins we commit.  They are always covered by the atonement if we are willing to confess and forsake them.  Not just if we "never do it again", anymore than if we never do any other sin again.  When we are in active rebellion, endeavoring to hide our sins, all of the old sins return.  When we are in honest active repentance, begging for the mercy of our Lord, and showing enough faith in him to do the hard things, all of our sins are covered.  We become white as the driven snow.  I'm feeling the truth of that settle upon my soul as I write this.  Yeah, there are still some tears to dry, but I feel peace starting to enter into my heart, and I know that is the way God communicates with me.  I have Godly sorrow, thank God. 

I'm hoping that this turns into a breakthrough, rather than a relapse.  I think it has the potential. 

Love, Dan

Tender Mercies and Repentance

A tender mercy has happened.  Something that gives me courage to keep fighting the fight.

Two of our own have had a major breakthrough.  Those of you reading the blogs know who I am talking about.  I am just SO happy for them!

I came out publicly because something inside of me told me that I was ready to do so.  There have been many who have done so prematurely and regretted it.  I was warned about it, but felt that I needed to give up some of my anonymity in order to have a greater measure of accountability.  So far, I am glad that I have done so.  All indications lead me to believe that our friend has hit his rock bottom and found that place of surrender that is so critical to a lasting and real recovery.  I rejoice when someone repents!  I rejoice!  I REJOICE!!  This is not a place where we judge.  This is a place where we come to feel safe and express our challenges; a place that we record our struggles and successes so that others coming after us might have an easier time of it.  Hallelujah for our friends!  The wise observer should take note of the goings on in the lives of the participants, and how all of this came about.  Perhaps there are lessons in this that all of us can benefit from.

On more of a personal note.  The past few weeks have been ones of great things for me as I have welcomed home a son from his mission in Brazil.  The challenge was in going for three weeks without a meeting.  Brazil can be a triggery place for sure, even if one avoids all of the typical danger zones, which we did, by the way.

This past Sunday I was on my way to my SA meeting, 1 1/2 hours away, when I realized that I was about out of gas and that I didn't have my wallet.  Ugghh!  I found a few dollars in the car and put enough gas in the tank to get me home.  I had to call my sponsor and tell him that I wasn't going to make the meeting for the third week in a row.  I have felt the absence.  I have not re-lapsed.  I am on day 114 of recovery, but have felt a little bit of stagnation, which most of us recognize as a loss of traction, backsliding, if you will. 

This is what I think I have learned.  One, I need my mtgs.  Two, the character of lust that I struggle with has changed as my recovery has deepened.  I used to struggle with inappropriate web-sites, and with out and out lusting, mentally undressing a woman etc.  I have found that now I don't have to go that far to give myself trouble; in other words to feel a loss of the Spirit.

In Sunday School this week, someone made the comment that the Spirit could be thought of as a continuous radio broadcast.  It's always there.  It's just whether or not we tune into it.  Thinking about looking at something that might give me trouble, for example, thinking about looking at a "People" magazine, is all it takes to spin that tuning dial away from the station carrying the Spirit's broadcast.  I don't actually have to look at that magazine.  I don't have to mentally undress anyone.  Just looking, in any way other than charitably, spins my dial.  For months I haven't done that at all.  For a few weeks I've been struggling with it.  That's all I've been struggling with, but it's enough, and I want to change that, pronto. 

Today I have read some blog posts that are really helping me to regain that desire to surrender my imperfect thoughts completely.  It's a worthwhile goal!  Time to stop kicking against the pricks!

So let me express my gratitude to all of the bloggers!!  Addicts, and spouses of addicts, in success and in your deepest despair, thank you so, SO much for sharing with us! Without you, recovery would be so much harder.

Love, Dan 

We're All Special! Nobody is Special.

Hi friends, I'm back from Brazil.  I had an amazing, awesome trip and experience getting to know Brazil and its' people and those who were touched so much by the efforts of my son.  I'll write more about that a little later.

I miss Brazil terribly, it was so great! But I am happy to be back to the recovery scene.  It is clear to me that to maintain recovery, I must stay focused on the task.  For two weeks I had no blogs or blog reading, and no recovery meetings or phone contact with other recovering addicts.  I survived it, but there was some white-knuckling involved.  Just coming back to the blogs has got my head back in the right place.  There are lots of attractive people in Brazil, who wear less clothing than we do here!  I don't fault them for it.  It's hot down there in Recife!  Thankfully, there is a very active church scene, including a temple there.

Today my thinking turns to how special we are in the sight of God, and yet, how nobody is special.

In Mathew 7: 9-11 it says "Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?  Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?  If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask?"  Each of us is a child of God, treasured and loved by our heavenly parents.  He stands ready and willing to give us the good gifts that we seek.

On the other hand, In D&C 1: 31 it says "For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance."  Then, in the same vein we have Alma counseling his son, Corianton, in Alma 42: 30 "Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins, by denying the justice of God; but do you let the justice of God, and his mercy, and his longsuffering have full sway in your heart; and let it bring you down to the dust in humility."

For the past two weeks I have marveled at the blessings of the Gospel in the life of my family.  I met person after person who thanked me, very sincerely, for sending my son to Brazil.  I met three couples who were sealed in the temple as a result of his efforts.  I met several other people that he had baptized or taught, who were later baptized by others.  I met several who were re-activated, one of whom we found out had just received her endowment in the temple the day that we came to visit.  My son had been out of that area for a year.  What a special surprise!  A lot of people cried when we left.  And yet, in the middle of all of that blessing, if I let my eyes linger a little longer on something, or someone, or some part of someone, than I should have, I could feel the Spirit slipping away.  That saddened me.  No special privileges just because I'm in a foreign country with so many new things to see and experience!  No exceptions just because I'm out of my normal circle of support!  I realize how desperately I need the fellowship of others in recovery to help me keep my spiritual balance. 

Having made this confession, let me say that I did not think any really gross thoughts or lust in the sense that is typically thought of.  I did not act out.  One doesn't need to go that far to begin to lose the Spirit!  All it takes is letting my thoughts "appreciate" a person's beauty a little longer than I should.  A second look.   Pick up a book or magazine that "might" have something inappropriate and "poof", just like that, the Spirit leaves, even if I never see anything.  Lust is cunning, baffling, and powerful.  The Spirit is easily offended, and makes no exceptions.

Thankfully, there is repentance.  Often I am amazed at how quickly I can re-gain the companionship of the Spirit if I get down humbly and sincerely on my knees and re-commit!  If we ask for bread, will he give us a stone?  Nope.  He loves us.  He wants us to succeed.  It's not a set-up, intended to lead us to failure.  It is consistent love, perfectly applied.  We are special!  And yet, nobody is special.

Lots of love, Dan

 

Brazilian odyssey

A long-anticipated day has finally arrived.  Tonight I board a plane heading for Recife Brazil, where my middle son is finishing up his mission.

The trip will be a long one.  I leave tonight (Friday) at 10:30 P.M. and won't arrive in Recife until Sunday afternoon, more than 33 hrs. of travel.   

In 1983 and 1984 I served my own mission to Paraguay, which has a border with Brazil.  At that time I was able to visit Brazil on P-days, while serving in one of my areas.  We were allowed to go visit the Iguazu falls and the close-by areas, and were exposed to Portuguese, which intrigued me, because it is in many ways similar to Spanish.  I've always wanted to go back to Brazil, and so now that the chance has come, I'm taking it.

The Mission President was excited for me and was very welcoming.  A member family has generously offered to let my son and I stay with them for the week that we'll be there together.  I will be his missionary companion during that time. 

I expect the whole week to be taken up visiting families and investigators that he has come to know while serving there.  I have been studying Portuguese for the past year so that I will be somewhat able to communicate and share my testimony.  I will finish reading the Book of Mormon in Portuguese today. 

I expect it to be a week of rejoicing and blessing.  I am not interested in touristy stuff.  I care about people, and I want to get to know as many of them as possible. 

At some point in the next couple of weeks, I expect that we will have some good serious discussions about the hard things.  The things I've learned.  Where I'm at.  The dangers, and the traps, and the hope that I have for myself and for him.  I hope that by doing so I can help to spare him from some of the misery and suffering that I've been through, and that I've put others through.

So, dear friends, you will probably not be hearing much, if anything, from me for the next two weeks or so.  I expect to keep my bottom planted firmly to the seat of the wagon during that time, and I'll fill you in when I get back!

Love, Dan  

Accomplishment and Self Abuse

Today was my 90th day clean mark.  I am thankful to have been able to attend my SA meeting and to be able to celebrate this moment in genuine recovery, with recovery to me meaning no sexual acting out, no masturbation, no viewing of pornography of any sort, and no lustful thinking.  Most people view their sexual sobriety date in terms of only the first three things.  I do too.   Nevertheless I think it significant to acknowledge that without that last listed item, I do not consider myself to be in full recovery.

I attribute my success in the program thus far to the grace of God in helping me come to a place of complete vulnerability, where I am willing to acknowledge my absolute powerlessness over lust, yet giving me the faith to trust in his ability and willingness to remove it from me. 

I have also learned how to use some tools to short circuit the lust cycle, preventing lust from ever being spawned in my head.  Mainly, that means cutting negative thinking off at the ankles.  Any apathy or unsettled thoughts are dealt with promptly by a phone call to a sponsor, by communication, by prayer, by wholesome and uplifting music, by scripture study or by diversion of some other sort.  I have learned the value of regular 12 step meetings, of openness, vulnerabilty, honesty and the companionship of others in the fight.  I am working the steps.

On Wednesday of this coming week I hope to be able to attend a PASG meeting, my first in years.  My schedule has not allowed it.  Today I was released from a calling that required my presence on that night, thus freeing me up to attend.  It's still a ninety minutes one way drive, nevertheless I am excited that now I will be able to attend two meetings weekly, with two slightly different takes on the same topic. 

I remember when I was younger, sort of mocking the term self-abuse.   That is how masturbation was defined in some circles.  "How is it abuse?"  I thought.  I knew it wasn't a good thing.  I knew it was sinful.  It just didn't seem like, I don't know, chopping off finger tips or something.  I remember reading that 90% of boys admitted to doing it, and the rest lied about it.  So what was so abusive about that?  In the church my guess is something more like 30% percent of the boys admit doing it, 40% lie about it, and 30% have it under control.  Now please don't think badly of me because of  my guesstimates.  They are just guesses based on my own, admittedly biased experience, which may or may not be way off base.  But I've had a lot of time to observe human behavior, both at church and at the clinic.  I know a lot more stuff goes on than most people are willing to acknowledge.  It's easy to start justifying myself.  It's normal.  Where's the harm in it?  It's just fantasy, right?

Well, no.  I don't think so.

Look at it this way.  What is God-ordained sex?  I've come to view it as a sacrament.  A God-sanctioned joining of two married humans of opposite gender that were designed from the beginning to complement one another, and  who could come together to complete a divine circle of unity and completeness.  In a way, they are also united with the divine in this act.

Now consider sex with self.  A single individual attempting, and failing because it is impossible by oneself, to find some sort of communion with images on a screen or imaginations in the mind, attempting to share himself in a way that makes no sense from a true sexual standpoint.  Not only does he not find the looked-for communion, he ends up fracturing his persona into two parts, the part that still desires a lawful communion, and the part that has lusted and wants to protect his ability to continue to lust, thus splitting himself, rather than joining.  A division, rather than a communion.  Destruction of self rather than a complementing of self.  And then there's the alienation from God.

So what do I think now of masturbation?  Self abuse, my friends.  Cruel and destructive, the antithesis of self love.

I am coming to view any sexual act that does not promote unity in marriage, and which doesn't strengthen my relationship with God to be unholy and destructive.  Pretty simple really!

May our communion with our spouses be forever strengthened.  May our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ also be fortified.  May we be susceptible to the enticings of the Holy Spirit.

One day at a time.

Love, Dan

Category I or Category II ?

Earlier in the week Mac re-posted a response to AskMormonGirl's blog on pornography.  It was written by a former bishop who observed that addicts fall into "two surprisingly clear-cut categories:  Those who struggled against the addiction, and those who struggled against everything that got between them and the addiction."

The men in the first category, in his experience, never cheated on their wives, abused or neglected their children, or progressed into more deviant territory.

The men from the second category did all of those things, blaming their wives the whole way.

That left me wondering into which category I fit.

As an aside.  After reading the AskMormonGirl blog post that included that response, along with a WHOLE LOT of responses from men and women, who to me, seemed to be trying to justify their behavior and blaming the Church for its' teachings on the matter, suggesting that if our Church leaders would just keep their mouths shut on the topic it wouldn't be such a big deal.  One of them even went so far as to attack Pres. Hinckley personally for talking about it so much. (That ticked me off, because I can't think of a finer man than he was.) After reading that I found myself feeling unhappy.  Could it be true?  Maybe all the talk about how bad it is, is what leads us to hide it, and that secrecy leads us straight into the addiction? 

After mulling it over for awhile, I decided that I needed to pray about it and surrender those negative feelings, which I did.  It was then that I began to see a little more clearly.  I can virtually guarantee that a majority of those responses came from  people who are in the bonds of addiction and are seeking to justify themselves and their sins.  The Church leaders have done an admirable job of learning about addiction and trying to give us support.  I think that our leaders are working towards de-stigmatizing it.  The fact remains however that it was our Savior who said "That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."  So if you have a problem with it, take it up with Him.

I have been feeling really happy and at peace for 86 days now.  No porn, and no lusting.  I've caught my wife singing to herself (something she rarely does, and a sure sign that she is happy).  Why would I want to give that up in exchange for letting myself feel resentful towards the Church and its' leaders?  No, the Spirit tells me which way is right, and that's the way I've been going.  When I've wondered about the Spirit and how it communicates with me, versus how satan communicates, I realize that one thing satan never does is give me a feeling of peace.  Working the 12 steps and working on my relationship with God does give me peace.  The Spirit brings me peace.  Satan's imitations do not.

Now back to the question of which category I fit into, and whether or not a man from the second category has any chance. 

I struggled with it.  Wasn't I neglectful?  Wasn't the type of stuff I was viewing getting slowly but surely worse?  Didn't I think that if my wife would just do such and such, or more often, or whatever, that things would be better?  Didn't I push the envelope in the bedroom?  Well, yes.  All of those things are true.

But if we are searching for truth we must also acknowledge the things we did right.  I seldom, if ever, put her down because of her appearance.  I tried really hard to spend a lot of time with our kids and to be loving with them.  I tried to help with household chores, though I never did as much as I should have.  I made a really sincere effort to never use fantasy while making love.  I tried to fulfill my callings in the Church.  We prayed together almost every night throughout all of it. I did not disrespect my church leaders.  I never criticized them.  I tried to tell the truth (just not necessarily the whole truth) when they counseled me on the subject.

So it left me thinking, like Warrior, and like MM sees her husband, that I was somewhere in the middle.  I think though, that if I were that bishop's ward member, he would have put me in the first category.  On the other hand, there are some who have been from the second category and found their way back. 

Is there anything a spouse can do if her husband is mostly a second category type of guy?  If I am interpreting what I am learning correctly, the best way she can help is by making sure she is right with God, and then set her boundaries.  She must define who she is, and who she is not; what she will do and what she will not do.  It is then that she can live with grace and dignity, regardless of the actions of others.  She will care without becoming a caretaker.  Her eyes will be open, her heart sensitive to the Spirit when He is talking to her.  She won't need to check up on him constantly, the Spirit will tell her what's up.  She should not tolerate abuse!  Just don't!  It's awful!  Nobody deserves to be constantly beaten down.  Get out if you have to!  It might even be the impetus to get someone into recovery.  I subscribe to SA online and get dozens of e-mails daily.  I can't tell you how many times already that I have seen a guy get serious about recovery because his wife left him.  I know that can be an incredibly difficult decision to make, but if it needs to be made, do it. 

So that's my current thinking.  It should be interesting to see how my thinking evolves as my recovery continues! 

I love you guys and gals!

Healthy Lust?

How much lust is good in a relationship?

Seems like a lot of members struggle with this question. 

In the White Book of SA, we read that "We lusted and wanted to be lusted after." 

I have noticed that often for the first day or so after sexual relations with my wife that I would struggle to keep my thoughts in check.  Since coming into recovery however, I have made an effort to make sure that every interaction with her not be lust-based.  I can do that by steering my thoughts toward the loving.  The caresses are intended to make her happy, not steer her toward doing something that I want.  And the post-sex struggle has disappeared. 

I've finally realized that I was trying all of these years to control my lust, when my goal should have been to annihilate it. 

Another member of my twelve step group shared a story of how he struggled after driving by a strip club.  The adrenaline/dopamine rush was making things very hard and he wanted to give in.  He wisely called his sponsor, who asked him "How else can you get that feeling in your life; that rush, that high?"  After thinking about it for a minute, he answered, "I don't think I can get that intense of a rush anywhere else."  His sponsor then told him, "Perhaps it's time to mourn the loss then,  and surrender it."  As soon as he did so, the feelings disappeared.  I have had a similar moment.  I have surrendered my lust to God.  I have placed it on the alter.  It may slip off.  If it does, I will need to pick it up as quickly as possible and place it back on the alter, until it can be burned up once and for all.  I have faith that that day will come. 

It seems to me that there is nearly always a counterfeit emotion for the good ones that we have.  Pride wants to counterfeit a healthy self-esteem.  Desire for vengeance wants to counterfeit a proper desire to see justice done.  Greed counterfeits a wholesome desire to better our station in life.  Permissiveness counterfeits peacemaking... and on and on and on. 

In the culture in which we live, the desire to lust and be lusted after is portrayed so pervasively that it is considered to be the norm, and a part of love.  Not only that; the subliminal message seems to be that if you are not indulging in it, then you are missing out in some major way on true happiness.  I have found the truth to be just the opposite.  A godly desire to be intimate with the spouse is not selfish, but a quest for unity.  It does not leave you feeling embarrassed or wondering if what you did was right.  I cannot recall a time in my marriage when I have felt either happier, or more fulfilled.  I also see the shine starting to come back into my wife's eyes.  Of course she still has bad days at work, and challenges with kids and relationships.  Now though, when we get together I am able to really be there for her.  She comes home stressed, and in a few minutes she is starting to relax and tell me of her troubles and challenges and soon she feels better.  For some reason, for a long time I wasn't really able to do that very well or consistently.  I am certain that the reasons are all tied up with lust addiction.  (I just let her read this for verification, and she agrees!  ha, ha)

A little housekeeping.  I let the people at my group know that I was writing a blog.  There was some concern about protection of anonymity.  Not my own, but theirs.  For that reason, I have removed my last name from my signature.  I still believe that my more open stance on addiction is good for me, but there are times when I would like to share something, but feel that I can't in order to protect the identity of another.  So that's the explanation. 

Happy Sabbath!  Love, Dan 

To the Still-Suffering Addict

I did my first step presentation at my 12 step group on Sunday night.

Nearly the entire meeting was taken up with my story.  The usual format of no crosstalk was dropped, once my presentation was over with, and any who wanted to comment or ask questions were allowed to do so, and I was allowed to respond candidly.

It was interesting how nearly everyone pointed out similarities with their own stories.  And of course, as usual, the dread of opening up of the very most personal parts of my life was met with understanding and compassion rather than condemnation.

I received an anonymous e-mail response recently to my blog.  It was from a professional, like myself, who struggles with similar issues.  The tone of his e-mail was completely familiar.  Fear and embarrassment, frustration, not knowing how to best proceed to tackle the issue of m/b & porn.  He is single in his late twenties, and wants to take care of it before considering marriage.  I admire his willingness to look for answers, and to resolve it before bringing another person into the mix.  One need only read the blogs of spouses to understand the ramifications of doing that.  He has found this blog-ring, and expressed a desire to learn from the posts.  I recommended Rowboat and Marbles first, because Andrew's blog has been the most helpful of all to me.  So anonymous, don't give up!  The solution is out there, and it's not nearly as painful as what you are going through now.

The other night, as we were preparing to close the clinic, one of the medical assistants asked me if we could take another walk-in.  I said "That will put us into overtime."  She said "OK"  and started to walk away and I asked her "What is it?"  and she answered "A girl with an earache."  "How old?" I asked.  "Five." she responded.  I told her to go ahead and put her through.  Later, when I went into the room, I asked the little girl what was wrong and she just burst into tears, dripping down her cheeks and onto her pants and said "My ear hurts!"  In that moment my heart filled with compassion.  I was so thankful that I had chosen to see her!  I was able to put in some anesthetic drops and give her a dose of Motrin and an antibiotic prescription.  Before she left she was smiling again.

That experience has caused me to reflect on the suffering addict, and my ability to respond to those who come seeking help.  Each week as part of our meeting, we pause for a moment of silence and prayer on behalf of the still-suffering addict. I now know of an effective treatment; one that can quickly begin to soothe the pain and suffering, and lift the spirits.  All it takes is for the suffering one to come to "the clinic", willing to follow "the prescription".  

Love, Dan 

  

   

Time to Reach Out

Tonight the Bishop told me that he had read my blog and that he was starting to read the "Rowboat and Marbles" blog also.  I was very happy to hear that, since I think Andrew does an amazing job of getting a very important message across in a logically organized way.

He also asked me if it would be OK for him to give the blog address to another member of my ward who might benefit from it.  Of course I told him "Yes!!  By all means!  Give it to anyone and everyone who is willing to read it that you think could be helped by it!" 

I also told him that I was going to be delivering my first step presentation at the SA meeting this Sunday, and that I'd love to carpool with whoever wanted to attend.

I don't think he has looked at the other blogs on our blogs list, but I did give him the address on Sunday.  I told him that I got a lot out of all of them, both the blogs of addicts and the spouses of addicts.  Reading about the pain, and also the recovery taking place is a powerful motivator to me; it helps me stay on that strait and narrow path.  Also, I feel a lot of love here, and so many sweet personalities. 

I have decided to work the 12 steps of the ARP and the SA programs concurrently.  I am going to have monthly meetings with the bishop to discuss my progress and the step-work that I am doing, working through the ARP workbook and some other sources as well.

Have a very nice day, everyone! 

  

New Hope

Tonight at the SA 12 step meeting we read the first step chapters from the Alcoholics Anonymous "12 Steps and 12 Traditions", as well as from our "White Book", in other words, the main text for the SA meetings.

In the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book there was some very encouraging news for the new addict.  It told how in the first days of AA, that the only people who seemed to achieve recovery were those who had hit a very low "rock bottom".  Later as these addicts achieved lasting sobriety and shared what they had learned with a new generation of addicts, more success was achieved with those who hadn't yet lost their wives and their homes and jobs.  Later still, success began to be achieved with those who had just barely started down the path of alcoholism.

Why this change in success rates?

Great question! 

It all comes back to the first step.  "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable".

Awareness that our lives have become unmanageable is not easy to come by.  In the early days it came only to those who had lost so much that it could not be denied.  Usually, that meant their family, their livelihood, their homes and most everything else.  But as this generation of addicts matured in their recoveries, they were able to point out to the addicts who had not yet lost all of these things that this is precisely how they had been, and then to challenge them that if they didn't believe that they were addicted, to just try to control their drinking for awhile.  When the new generation had tried and failed a few times, it often became apparent to them that they were indeed addicted to alcohol, and if their efforts had been sincere, they would hit their own "rock bottom", having lost a lot less than the first generation.

And so it went with the next generation of new addicts who had just started down the path to addiction.  They were challenged by their predecessors in turn to try to stop drinking if they really didn't think they were addicted.  The same thing would happen and they would be convinced  that they were addicted, having lost very little. 

I can envision this same sort of thing happening with regards to lust addiction.  As the first generation of lust addicts effectively communicates the signs of lust addiction to the rising generation, they can be warned off sooner, perhaps before the devastating losses mount up. 

This is what I would hope for my sons, and for the husbands that I read about who would appear to be just starting down this path.  "That's almost exactly how it started for me!"  I could tell them.  "If you don't think you are addicted, why don't you just stop and tell me how it goes?"  "Perhaps you could talk to me again each month for awhile?"  My guess is that with some of them at least, after a few failures, a recognition will begin to develop that "Yes, I am powerless over lust.  I need help.  I can't do this on my own!"  

In our discussion tonight, one of the members recalled his sponsor telling him "All of the steps are easy, except for step one".  Now, I'm not sure I could say that, but I would say that in my limited experience, no step is harder.  It took me 37 years to achieve it.  It's one thing to say the words, another entirely to feel them from the very depths of my soul.

And now that I have, I have found it to be "the magic key that opened the door and set (me) free".  (from The White Book) 

Before, I had been trying two options.  I would either express my obsession by acting out, or I would attempt to contain it by white-knuckling or by abusing substances.  The more I tried these two options the worse my addiction got, relentlessly progressing to more and more dangerous practices. 

I wasn't aware of , or couldn't bring myself to truly believe in a third option; surrender.  The paradox of surrendering to be set free.  What a wonderful concept to those of us who have experienced it!  I did it 70 days ago, and I repeat it regularly.

I see myself in the middle group of addicts.  I am benefiting from the sacrifices and learning of the previous generation of recovering addicts.  I have not yet lost my wife or children, my job or my home.  I have however, caused a great deal of suffering on the part of loved ones, especially my dear wife.  I have lost years that might have been spent more fruitfully.  Many good works that will remain undone, because the time to do them has come and gone.

Nevertheless, there is a great deal of hope for the future, both for myself and for my loved ones, that I might be able to help another break the bands of addiction a lot earlier than I did.  I am feeling frequent, intense outpourings of the Spirit.  I am beginning to regain self respect, and confidence before the Lord. 

Quoting from the Book of Helaman in the Book of Mormon Chapter 12 vss. 23-24 "Therefore, blessed are they who will repent and hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; for these are they that shall be saved.  And may God grant, in His great fullness, that men might be brought unto repentance and good works, that they might be restored unto grace for grace, according to their works."

I am thankful for the men and women who have gone before me and are now showing me the way.  MAN am I thankful for you.   Really, really thankful!  I know I am just getting started, but I also know that at last I have found the trail head.  I am on the right path.  My love goes out to all of you who read this!  Good night!

Missed Opportunities

I finally made it onto the blog list! Yeah!

I had an interesting interaction yesterday at work.

In the health care fields it is widely understood that healthy young men don't come in to see the Doctor unless something is wrong with their private parts. Of course, that is never listed as the reason for the visit. That is usually "cough", "general physical", "allergies" or some such thing. I have heard of practitioners making bets as to to how many minutes it will take a man to get brave enough to get around to talking about his penis.

So yesterday, as I looked at the empty chart of a mid-twenties-something year old male who had come in for a "physical", I was wondering to myself what the real reason for the visit was.

  His vital signs looked good.  He looked healthy, trim and fit. I asked him, "So, you're just here for a general all around physical exam?" He answered "Yes." I didn't want to waste a lot more time so I asked more pointedly, "Is there anything about which you are particularly worried right now?" He took a deep breath and said " Yeah. Lately I haven't been able to maintain an erection for more than a minute or so. Is that normal?"

I had guessed correctly. Something WAS wrong with his penis. Now there was a time, not very far back, that I would have whipped out my prescription pad and written a prescription for Viagra so fast that you would have had trouble seeing me do it. He would have then been out the door.

Armed with my new-found knowledge of addiction however, I decided to go with a different round of questioning. "Have you been under a lot of stress lately?" And he answered, "Yes, I think so." "So, what do you think has been causing the stress? Job? Are you not getting along with your wife? Or is it something else?" I asked. So he explained to me that his relationship with his wife had been strained. She had even gone so far as to accuse him of cheating on her, which he swore he had never done.

So that gave me the idea to ask him, "Have you been mentally faithful to your wife?" He said, "No." And then I went out on a limb and said, "I have noticed that when I have looked at pornography, that my wife, through some seemingly magical spiritual connection, seems to know right away that something is wrong. Would you happen to have a habit of viewing pornography?" He blushed a little bit, but admitted that yes, he had been viewing quite a lot of it for the past two months, precisely the same amount of time that he had been having trouble with his wife. 

To make a long story short, I then talked to him about many of the things I have learned so far in my recovery. Incredibly, he was VERY open to all of it. He seemed excited about going to his wife and explaining to her what the root of his problem was and that he wanted to get past it by being honest with her and their pastor, and if need be, a 12 step program. I came away from the experience wondering how many other times I could have helped a man and a family with a similar problem if I had only had eyes to see it.

Begging Pardon

 I should like to sincerely apologize for the offenses incurred with my last entry, as well as some of the comments that I have made on other's blogs.  I am relatively new to the 12 steps, and have broken traditions to only speak of my own recovery rather than make assumptions about the recoveries of others.  I truly regret that I may have hurt some feelings.  It wasn't my intention.  I have a lot to learn.  I have shown arrogance and excesses of pride in my opinions.  I have come to learn that I also have a lot of co-dependent characteristics.  I fear that I am bound to make a lot more mistakes on my path to recovery, and beg your patience with me.  I would not seek out contention, but would rather avoid it.

Since I am a newly recovering addict, it is to be expected that I would make mistakes in my recovery efforts.  I view this blog as a record of said mistakes, and I hope that it will help others coming along after me be able to avoid them. 

On a happier note, I have not been struggling with lust, or acting out for more than nine weeks now!   A significant amount of the credit for this success I attribute to the selfless posts of the bloggers on the LDS addiction recovery blogs website.  They help me to keep my focus, and to not let any of the little distractions in my life get to me.  Many of the bloggers have been very kind to me, and encouraging.  This includes addicts and wives of addicts, among others.

I have also felt great fellowship from the members of my Sexaholics Anonymous group.  They are great guys and teach me so much through their shares!

I have set a new goal to study the Scriptures for 30 minutes each day.  I have been praying earnestly each and every morning and night.  I have fasted for the past three Sundays on behalf of the addicted and their spouses as well as for other loved ones.

I visited with my bishop on Sunday about my addiction and the SA organization.  While I had visited with my past bishop about my struggles, this was my first with the new bishop.  I let him know about this blog, as well as about the other blogs.  He was not yet familiar with any of them.  I am going to continue to meet with him at least monthly, if possible. 

Our plan in SA this year is to study one of the twelve steps each month.  My personal goal is to work each of the twelve steps during this same period of time. 

Have a blessed and peaceful night, full of love and joy.

No big deal?

I am going to attempt to explain something that I hope will be helpful to the suffering wives of lust addicts.  I hope I don't mess it all up and offend everyone! I am not nearly as articulate as the majority of you awesome sisters seem to be, and I have more trouble forming my thoughts into lucid sentences and paragraphs. I can't speak for our sisters who struggle with pornography addiction and I don't know whether what I have to say will apply at all to them and their relationships, so I speak on behalf of the guys mostly. 

It probably won't make any sense at all to you. And it shouldn't because it's insane.   It may go against every feeling that you have ever had on the topic.

Let me be clear that I no longer feel the way that the men I am about to describe feel.  I know better now because of what I have experienced in my own marriage and even more because of what I have learned from your blogs. 
  
Your actively addicted spouse didn't or doesn't see his viewing of pornography as being unfaithful. That is why he is a little bit shocked at how severely you react when you find out about it.  He knows it is wrong, yes.  He knows it will make you unhappy if you know about it.  That's one of the reasons why he works so hard to keep it hidden.  But it doesn't quite FEEL like cheating to him.  He may have even told himself  "Well, at least I'm not cheating on my wife". 

How could this possibly be?  To nearly every woman that I've seen or heard from, it seems very much like a betrayal of the marital vows.  It causes her to curl up in a ball of anguish and tears.  And her husband watches, baffled. 

Addicted men seem to feel that the fantasy associated with pornography and masturbation is a lot closer to just thinking about it than actually doing something about it.  Like the difference between thinking horrible angry thoughts of how you are going to get even with someone who has offended you, and actually doing something horrible to that person; it feels like the former rather than the latter.   I don't know if it's because of the testosterone coursing around in our veins, some evolutionary (if there is such a thing) difference, or just the early start to the masturbatory fantasy life of most males, but we don't really (at least initially)get the hurt that it causes our spouses. 

Now, I have no way of proving my next hypothesis.  I am not seeking to justify the sin, rationalize it, or minimize it, and I may be a complete idiot, but my suspicion is the following:  If you were to reverse the roles, if it were the wife confessing the addiction, my guess is that the husband would be surprised, because he would have been sure that his wife was a bastion of virtue, he might begin to have some self esteem issues, or other questions, but he would most likely not be curl-up-in-a-ball devastated. He most likely would not see it as a very serious threat to the relationship. (Even if, knowing what we all now know about addiction, it actually WAS a serious threat.)

I do not mean to imply by this that husbands are more forgiving than wives.  I certainly don't mean to imply that wives are wrong for feeling the way that they do.  In fact, I feel that wives are absolutely right for feeling the way that they do.  It is offered only as an observation, an opinion which you may take or leave as you wish.  And if I'm right, I would further guess that it is because we would have been deluded by satan.  

Looking back, I see now how satan (I don't capitalize his name, intentionally) uses this tactic to achieve his objectives, which are essentially to destroy the family and to cause misery. 

What starts out as an innocent discovery of a bodily function progresses one small step at a time, from thoughts to images, to more and more graphic images, to flirtations to...this...to....that...to....the other thing...and onto...the affair or the prostitute or other perversion.  By the time he realizes that he has moved well beyond a harmless fantasy, he feels trapped and hopeless, lost in a world of uncontrollable lust.  By this time those flaxen cords have become the strong cords spoken of by Nephi. 

Now how do I end this entry on a positive note?  Where is the hope in all of this? 

It starts here, in the book of Moses 6:55, in the Pearl of Great Price, where "the Lord spake unto Adam saying:  Inasmuch as thy children  are conceived in sin, even so, when they begin to grow up, sin conceiveth in their hearts, and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good." 

At some point that addict is going to taste the bitter.  It's going to be rammed down his throat until he's choking on it.  In recovery, the term for that is "rock bottom".  He then has a choice to make.  He may act wisely, deciding that he'd like to try something sweeter, acknowledge his powerlessness and turn toward God, or he may "kick against the pricks".  The Lord will never remove his agency. 

If he elects to acknowledge his powerlessness and reach out to God and his Savior, there is a great deal of hope! We pray that that day will come before the swath of destruction is so long and wide that he loses his family and everything else of any real value. There is no sure way of knowing whether or not that will happen, or if it is destined to happen, when. 

There may be clues, however.  The Spirit may be whispering to you that the prospects are good. 

Or there may be behaviors that are simply intolerable and demand immediate protective action.  I have come to the conclusion that some relationships are just out and out rotten on nearly every level.  I do not condemn those who have extricated themselves from such relationships.  As addicts, we are NOT free to choose the consequences of our sins.  From my experience so far in Sexaholics Anonymous, I have seen several instances in which a separation lead to a rock bottom, which lead to recovery.  My present thinking, which is subject to revision, is that whatever a wife can do to get her husband to rock bottom speedily, may be the best way to stop the hemorrhaging.  How to go about that?  I can't say.  Listen to the Spirit.

Continuing in Moses 6:57, "Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God..."  and vs. 59, ...."even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory." 

I'm in the midst of that cleansing process now.  I'm counting on the blood of the Savior.  The pain is not yet over, though things are really, really looking up! 

I expect to not ever forget the sting of the hurt that I have caused or felt.  I do however, envision a day where I will feel completely forgiven.  I also expect to have a greater amount of empathy for my struggling brothers and sisters.

I know that I am an addict, and that addiction is "cunning, baffling, and powerful".  I am striving to prepare myself against that day when I am confronted again with a strong temptation.  I know that day will come.  But if the past two months are any indication, I am also coming to know that I can live virtually my whole life without having to "go there" in my mind. That is giving me GREAT HOPE for myself and for others. 

To all of you awesome folk out there:  I LOVE YOU!!!! Peace, brothers and sisters!  Have faith!  Have hope! Have Love!  Dan

Whatever it Takes

One of the things that indicates that a person is going to have success battling addiction is that the person has an attitude of being willing to do "whatever it takes" to overcome it.  7 mtg.s a week.  A terrifying confession.  Expensive counseling.  Prayer and scripture study.  Blocks on electronic devices.  Giving up TV.  Changing jobs.  Whatever it takes! 

I've been attending 1 mtg. per week and understand that I will have to do at least that for the rest of the foreseeable future, blogging, reading recovery literature, praying, reading scriptures, talking with spouse and adult children and have an appointment with the Bishop on Sunday.  All of that might not be enough for you.  But I am determined that if I should have a slip, my wife will know about it, my Bishop will know about it, my sponsor will know about it, you will know about it, and then I will do whatever else I have to do to get back right with God ASAP.

Today marks the 60th day of Sobriety.  That's cool, but strangely doesn't seem to hold overly much meaning to me.  You see, I still have lifetime left to go.  What IS cool, is that now I have confidence that I can do it.  I have no urge to look back at a doomed city.  I am no longer thinking about what awesome image I might miss if I give up my addiction.  I can SEE myself leaving it all behind.  Forever.  It makes me sick to even think about where I have been.  I'm not going back to that place.

There are some really COOL things that come along with recovery, and I'll get to them in a minute. I'm using the word recovery because that's actually what I am in.  That's what makes it easy.  White knuckle sobriety is hard.  The first week of sobriety was white knuckled.  I was staring at the bottle on the table determined not to take a drink.  That can have some value.  After a week of white knuckling, despite the difficulty, I began to feel a certain amount of self respect.  That helped move me into recovery.  I had one other moment 3 weeks later where I was channel surfing in a hotel room (always dangerous) and saw a bedroom scene (no nudity) that threw me into a full blown panic.  I did not act out.  I turned off the TV.  I Shook and cursed myself for being so stupid.  That was the last time, and I am determined to keep it that way.  It was a powerful learning experience.

Now for the COOL things.  My wife has become impossibly beautiful.  She didn't have to diet, get lipo or get implants.  She didn't have to get a face lift or dye her hair either.  I look at her and want to stare into her eyes.  I want to breathe her breaths.  I even want to watch her eat!  Remember that?  She's having to get used to this new person.  Heck, even I am having to get used to him!  She wants to believe he is real, but it might take awhile.  I am OK with that.  I can see her starting to believe.  I can feel it.  Things are better back in the bedroom as well.  She's happier.  I am happier.  If you are a struggling addict, you have something to look forward to!  If you are a struggling spouse, you also have something to look forward to!

And, not only has my wife become beautiful, all of the other people in my life have too.  Because now I am looking, trying to figure out where their heart is at, and what I can do to make that heart feel better.  I don't care if she is an eighty year old with no teeth and a mustache.  She's beautiful to me!  Beautiful!  Imagine being in a world surrounded by that type of beauty!  It's amazing! 

Guys (and gals), it's worth the effort.  Give it up to the Lord.  Let Him take over your life and make it worth living again.  Let Him shoulder your burdens.  He's waiting, ready to do it if you'll let him.  I love you all!  Have a great day!

Credibility

I had an affirming experience at work today. 

I am a non-physician health-care provider, a PA.  I see patients four days a week in 10 hour shifts.  I figure that I have had at least 10,000 patient encounters in the past 4 years.  I ask patients questions about smoking and alcohol consumption, among other things.

Today I interviewed a very pleasant 40ish yr. old patient for a routine physical and asked her about smoking.  She admitted to 2 packs/day.  Her boyfriend was with her and confirmed the amount.  I was a little bit surprised, because she looked pretty good in spite of the heavy smoking.  Then I asked her about her consumption of alcohol.  She said that she usually had about a 12-pack of beer.  "You mean, per week?" I asked.  "No, every day." she responded. Then I said "They told us in school that one could usually safely double the amount that people admit to.  Is that true in your case?"  "Yes." she said.  I then gently asked her if anyone had ever mentioned to her that her drinking might be a problem.  "Yes." she admitted.  So obviously, it would be an understatement to say that she has a drinking problem. 

So all of that is routine, and pretty much what I am expected to do.  Then came the part that was new for me, and pretty cool.  She was obviously reaching out for help by admitting the extent of the problem.  Perhaps she could sense my non-judgemental attitude.  I responded to her as I would hope someone would respond to me if I confessed my own addictions.  I told her that there was a 12 step meeting of alcoholics anonymous in town.  I looked her in the eye and admitted to her that I had my own addictions and went to a twelve step meeting every week and that it was really changing my life.  I could see the wheels beginning to turn in her head and her countenance soften.  From that point on, she seemed to take every word I said very seriously, as if she intended to take all of my advice. 

So, maybe that doesn't really sound that exciting to you!  To me though, it represents a real change.  It is the start of moral authority, or credibility.  My prior, actively addicted self would have had virtually none of it.  As I identify more and more with recovery, and less and less with active addiction, fear is leaving my life.  I am preparing myself for the day when people ask me about my addiction and recovery.  I know that it is just a matter of time before someone I know reads this blog.  I intend to be ready with answers to what before would have been extremely uncomfortable questions.  I am actually looking forward to being able to explain the reasons I have to hope, and to be ready to steer them into the right paths.

Trials (but just little ones)

It was a good week, on balance.  I did not have any significant problems maintaining my sobriety.  That doesn't necessarily mean that it was an easy week for me, though.

I have a tendency to glom onto things.  Like when I learned to ride the unicycle.  I stayed up until after midnight night after night, in the dark and in the cold, until I got it.

Well, I have sort of glommed onto the blogs, and made some people uncomfortable.  To those individuals I apologize.  Please forgive me!  I will scale back my comments. 

I am pretty much overly sensitive.  I always have been.  I think that has always been  a part of my addiction process.  I get unsettled very easily.  I get sad easily.  I feel rejected easily.  I take correction only with great difficulty.  That can lead me to want to numb it out with acting out. 

The good news is that now I understand that, and am better equipped to handle it! 

I've heard that it can be helpful for the lust addict to pray for person(s) that they are lusting after.  I have stopped cold turkey, so haven't really had a chance to practice that.  I hope I never do!  But, I figured if it would help in that situation, perhaps it would help to pray for anyone else that I had unsettled feelings with.  And guess what?  It's working! 

I went to my SA meeting tonight.  I was elected librarian!  So you see, I am a winner! ha ha.  I get to purchase literature for the group store.  I am feeling like the group is accepting of me.  I have written and revised my first step presentation, and expect to be able to give it in a couple of weeks.  I am enjoying the meetings, and always get a lot out of them.