Uh, Oh.

I'm feeling like Boromir after he tried to grab The Ring from Frodo.  You know, when he came out of his stupor and was distraught that he had betrayed and attacked the one he was sworn to protect.

Or perhaps it was more like Mowgli, entranced by the eyes of the snake.  Now I've been shaken out of it.

I accessed porn yesterday and masturbated (there, I spelled it all the way out) for the first time in 116 days.  I have complicated it for myself by not "finishing" the act.  Kind of anti-climactic, pardon the pun. 

I feel awful.  The addict inside of me is screaming for me to hide it.  After all, it didn't "really" happen, did it?

Then I remember the line from the SA white book,  "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally  incapable of being honest with themselves."

That's been one of my big struggles, like all other addicts.  Kind of doesn't even need to be said, right?  Addicts struggle with honesty. 

But, a few months ago I committed to a certain course.  I knew this day could come.  I just didn't want to believe that it would.  I said that if I should slip, that I would confess it to you, my wife, the bishop, and my sponsor within 24 hours.  The bishop could be tough, but I'll see him on Sunday, at the latest.

This is where "the rubber meets the road."  This is where I see whether or not I'll just continue to do what I've always done.  Hide it.

Another thing I've always done is beat myself up really bad afterward.  I don't think that is helpful.  I've got to be nicer to myself.  After all, this is a good thing that I'm doing, isn't it?  So many times I've read about the deep pain that the addict causes his spouse, not so much because he is weak, but because he can't be honest with her.  I don't want to be that guy anymore.  I won't be. 

She instinctively pulled back last night.  A part of her knows.  Maybe not her conscious mind, but some part of her.  I'll tell her in the morning.  I couldn't sleep, it's been bothering me so.  We have a God-ordained spiritual connection.  I feel her pain, she feels mine.  I need to let her know, so that she can see that her instincts are right on. 

I'm in mourning.  It's such a sad thing. 

The up-side is that I had at least 114 lust free days that I wouldn't have had otherwise.  I'm still new to the path of real recovery.  It's painful sometimes.  That's the nature of addiction.  It's painful for me.  It's painful for my loved ones.

I'm learning about the atonement.  I'm learning that lust addiction and the associated sins are just like all of the other sins we commit.  They are always covered by the atonement if we are willing to confess and forsake them.  Not just if we "never do it again", anymore than if we never do any other sin again.  When we are in active rebellion, endeavoring to hide our sins, all of the old sins return.  When we are in honest active repentance, begging for the mercy of our Lord, and showing enough faith in him to do the hard things, all of our sins are covered.  We become white as the driven snow.  I'm feeling the truth of that settle upon my soul as I write this.  Yeah, there are still some tears to dry, but I feel peace starting to enter into my heart, and I know that is the way God communicates with me.  I have Godly sorrow, thank God. 

I'm hoping that this turns into a breakthrough, rather than a relapse.  I think it has the potential. 

Love, Dan