Saturday, March 9, 2013

Uh, Oh.

I'm feeling like Boromir after he tried to grab The Ring from Frodo.  You know, when he came out of his stupor and was distraught that he had betrayed and attacked the one he was sworn to protect.

Or perhaps it was more like Mowgli, entranced by the eyes of the snake.  Now I've been shaken out of it.

I accessed porn yesterday and masturbated (there, I spelled it all the way out) for the first time in 116 days.  I have complicated it for myself by not "finishing" the act.  Kind of anti-climactic, pardon the pun. 

I feel awful.  The addict inside of me is screaming for me to hide it.  After all, it didn't "really" happen, did it?

Then I remember the line from the SA white book,  "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally  incapable of being honest with themselves."

That's been one of my big struggles, like all other addicts.  Kind of doesn't even need to be said, right?  Addicts struggle with honesty. 

But, a few months ago I committed to a certain course.  I knew this day could come.  I just didn't want to believe that it would.  I said that if I should slip, that I would confess it to you, my wife, the bishop, and my sponsor within 24 hours.  The bishop could be tough, but I'll see him on Sunday, at the latest.

This is where "the rubber meets the road."  This is where I see whether or not I'll just continue to do what I've always done.  Hide it.

Another thing I've always done is beat myself up really bad afterward.  I don't think that is helpful.  I've got to be nicer to myself.  After all, this is a good thing that I'm doing, isn't it?  So many times I've read about the deep pain that the addict causes his spouse, not so much because he is weak, but because he can't be honest with her.  I don't want to be that guy anymore.  I won't be. 

She instinctively pulled back last night.  A part of her knows.  Maybe not her conscious mind, but some part of her.  I'll tell her in the morning.  I couldn't sleep, it's been bothering me so.  We have a God-ordained spiritual connection.  I feel her pain, she feels mine.  I need to let her know, so that she can see that her instincts are right on. 

I'm in mourning.  It's such a sad thing. 

The up-side is that I had at least 114 lust free days that I wouldn't have had otherwise.  I'm still new to the path of real recovery.  It's painful sometimes.  That's the nature of addiction.  It's painful for me.  It's painful for my loved ones.

I'm learning about the atonement.  I'm learning that lust addiction and the associated sins are just like all of the other sins we commit.  They are always covered by the atonement if we are willing to confess and forsake them.  Not just if we "never do it again", anymore than if we never do any other sin again.  When we are in active rebellion, endeavoring to hide our sins, all of the old sins return.  When we are in honest active repentance, begging for the mercy of our Lord, and showing enough faith in him to do the hard things, all of our sins are covered.  We become white as the driven snow.  I'm feeling the truth of that settle upon my soul as I write this.  Yeah, there are still some tears to dry, but I feel peace starting to enter into my heart, and I know that is the way God communicates with me.  I have Godly sorrow, thank God. 

I'm hoping that this turns into a breakthrough, rather than a relapse.  I think it has the potential. 

Love, Dan

24 comments:

  1. Dan you said it best, "When we are in active rebellion, endeavoring to hide our sins, all of the old sins return. When we are in honest active repentance, begging for the mercy of our Lord, and showing enough faith in him to do the hard things, all of our sins are covered." Hang in there!!!

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    1. Thanks, Zaida! Encouraging words are welcome right now, for sure. I'm not going to give up!

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  2. I admire your honesty, Dan. Its hard to come clean when we mess up but having taken the other road so many times when I made mistakes I know how dark that road can be. The Lord rejoices in truth and light.

    You are not alone

    Tim

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    1. Thanks, Tim! I know how dark that other road is, too! That's part of what keeps me moving forward. May God continue to bless you and your sweetheart.

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  3. I have tears in my eyes. Bless you for your honesty. I can only imagine how hard it is to confess to all of us - strangers who you are trying to share your story of recovery with. And your wife (especially your wife). And your Bishop. All of the people you may feel that you let down. But it is the only way. I may be wrong, but I almost feel like 114 or whatever days doesn't matter. What matters is TODAY. What matters is this moment. Are we each endeavoring to hide and excuse our sins or repent? Are we turning away from God, or toward him.

    And bless your wife. I am so glad that you are going to be honest with her. I am thinking about her today as well.

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    1. You are a real dear, MM! I made a copy of my post and left it on her half of the sink this morning. I think she's been walking on air all day. She has been acting very happy and affectionate. Weird, huh? I guess she takes this as a positive development. And I have an appt. with the bishop, as well. Your encouragement really helps! Bless you, MM.

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    2. See, WOPA's really do CHERISH honesty! :) -MM

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    1. That it is! And not the end of the world! Thanks, Stephanie.

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  5. Like MM said, "Bless you for your honesty." It's so hard to confess, but worth it when you know that each time you fall, God is right there to help you. He loves you and wants you to win over your addiction. Let it all go to Him and take each day at a time. Like MM said the sobriety counter doesn't matter, what matters is focusing on winning each new day.

    Bless you and your sweet wife! You are both in my prayers:)

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    1. Thanks, Friend! I appreciate that very much.

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  6. You really touched me with this post. I needed to hear several of the things you wrote. Keep going.

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  7. Well, The Journey, one of the reasons I am here is so that others might see the struggle and discover that there is a way through this mess thay so many of us struggle with. I won't quit. Thank you very much for your kind supportive words, and keep coming back!

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  8. I commend you for your honesty Dan...that is SO huge! You are on the right path. And I agree with MM, the sobriety counter isn't important. It is what we do with each day in our efforts to turn our lives over to the Lord.

    My prayers are with you and your wife.

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  9. Thank you, Hopefulwife Y. I'm back on the tracks. I think that seeing that there is enough faith in me to promptly turn it back over to the Lord is going to help me. It's something I have privately worried about, and now that I see the positive effects of a quick repentance, rather than letting myself wallow in the mud for days, weeks, months or years, it is going to give me positive re-inforcement, and help me to surrender things ASAP in the future.

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  10. Good work Dan. Sorry to hear about the recent events, but they are unfortunately a part of all of our road back. Do things right or you'll be doomed to repeat them. Hang in there and try to fall on your knees instead of your back. You may have already done this, but I would suggest going back even further before you acted out, and look at 1) what little things you justified leading up to it and 2) what negative thoughts and feelings brought about the urge to act out that perhaps were undealt with. Recognizing the path earlier and earlier will be key to avoiding future relapses. Good luck man!

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    1. Thanks, Nate. I've been trying to do those things, exactly. Feeling a mixture of sadness and great hope for the future!

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  11. Welcome back from Brazil! Sounds like you had a remarkable time with your Son. I just read your 3 posts since your return. You are so on track. I love most your wife's mood after disclosure. The connection is what matters. You reached out and kept things real. Honest. The gospel of repentance is easy when we trust what the Spirit beckons us to do. I love the truth. It always sets us free. I see no chains here only the good news. Gratefully, Kandee

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  12. Thanks, Kandee! We did have an awesome time in Brazil visiting the people my son had taught. He would introduce me as "the best companion in the whole world; My Dad!" It was so great to see the positive impact he had on people.
    I've been in touch with my bishop since the slip, and he is encouraging me. My sponsor is out of town, but my group knows. My wife is doing well. Your advice, looking back, has always been good. Thank you!

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  13. recovery isnt a number of days, it is where your heart is.
    you have done a positive, healthy thing here.
    you are a good man.
    and you are becoming even better.

    great work!

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  14. Thanks for your kind words, D Nebeker! Now to just KEEP my heart in the right place. Your encouragement is helpful!

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  15. Good job being Honest. That is the first step!

    It's such a messy addiction!

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  16. Thanks, Wife Redeemed! It's messy, for sure! Not hopeless, though.

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