Tender Mercies and Repentance

A tender mercy has happened.  Something that gives me courage to keep fighting the fight.

Two of our own have had a major breakthrough.  Those of you reading the blogs know who I am talking about.  I am just SO happy for them!

I came out publicly because something inside of me told me that I was ready to do so.  There have been many who have done so prematurely and regretted it.  I was warned about it, but felt that I needed to give up some of my anonymity in order to have a greater measure of accountability.  So far, I am glad that I have done so.  All indications lead me to believe that our friend has hit his rock bottom and found that place of surrender that is so critical to a lasting and real recovery.  I rejoice when someone repents!  I rejoice!  I REJOICE!!  This is not a place where we judge.  This is a place where we come to feel safe and express our challenges; a place that we record our struggles and successes so that others coming after us might have an easier time of it.  Hallelujah for our friends!  The wise observer should take note of the goings on in the lives of the participants, and how all of this came about.  Perhaps there are lessons in this that all of us can benefit from.

On more of a personal note.  The past few weeks have been ones of great things for me as I have welcomed home a son from his mission in Brazil.  The challenge was in going for three weeks without a meeting.  Brazil can be a triggery place for sure, even if one avoids all of the typical danger zones, which we did, by the way.

This past Sunday I was on my way to my SA meeting, 1 1/2 hours away, when I realized that I was about out of gas and that I didn't have my wallet.  Ugghh!  I found a few dollars in the car and put enough gas in the tank to get me home.  I had to call my sponsor and tell him that I wasn't going to make the meeting for the third week in a row.  I have felt the absence.  I have not re-lapsed.  I am on day 114 of recovery, but have felt a little bit of stagnation, which most of us recognize as a loss of traction, backsliding, if you will. 

This is what I think I have learned.  One, I need my mtgs.  Two, the character of lust that I struggle with has changed as my recovery has deepened.  I used to struggle with inappropriate web-sites, and with out and out lusting, mentally undressing a woman etc.  I have found that now I don't have to go that far to give myself trouble; in other words to feel a loss of the Spirit.

In Sunday School this week, someone made the comment that the Spirit could be thought of as a continuous radio broadcast.  It's always there.  It's just whether or not we tune into it.  Thinking about looking at something that might give me trouble, for example, thinking about looking at a "People" magazine, is all it takes to spin that tuning dial away from the station carrying the Spirit's broadcast.  I don't actually have to look at that magazine.  I don't have to mentally undress anyone.  Just looking, in any way other than charitably, spins my dial.  For months I haven't done that at all.  For a few weeks I've been struggling with it.  That's all I've been struggling with, but it's enough, and I want to change that, pronto. 

Today I have read some blog posts that are really helping me to regain that desire to surrender my imperfect thoughts completely.  It's a worthwhile goal!  Time to stop kicking against the pricks!

So let me express my gratitude to all of the bloggers!!  Addicts, and spouses of addicts, in success and in your deepest despair, thank you so, SO much for sharing with us! Without you, recovery would be so much harder.

Love, Dan