Accomplishment and Self Abuse

Today was my 90th day clean mark.  I am thankful to have been able to attend my SA meeting and to be able to celebrate this moment in genuine recovery, with recovery to me meaning no sexual acting out, no masturbation, no viewing of pornography of any sort, and no lustful thinking.  Most people view their sexual sobriety date in terms of only the first three things.  I do too.   Nevertheless I think it significant to acknowledge that without that last listed item, I do not consider myself to be in full recovery.

I attribute my success in the program thus far to the grace of God in helping me come to a place of complete vulnerability, where I am willing to acknowledge my absolute powerlessness over lust, yet giving me the faith to trust in his ability and willingness to remove it from me. 

I have also learned how to use some tools to short circuit the lust cycle, preventing lust from ever being spawned in my head.  Mainly, that means cutting negative thinking off at the ankles.  Any apathy or unsettled thoughts are dealt with promptly by a phone call to a sponsor, by communication, by prayer, by wholesome and uplifting music, by scripture study or by diversion of some other sort.  I have learned the value of regular 12 step meetings, of openness, vulnerabilty, honesty and the companionship of others in the fight.  I am working the steps.

On Wednesday of this coming week I hope to be able to attend a PASG meeting, my first in years.  My schedule has not allowed it.  Today I was released from a calling that required my presence on that night, thus freeing me up to attend.  It's still a ninety minutes one way drive, nevertheless I am excited that now I will be able to attend two meetings weekly, with two slightly different takes on the same topic. 

I remember when I was younger, sort of mocking the term self-abuse.   That is how masturbation was defined in some circles.  "How is it abuse?"  I thought.  I knew it wasn't a good thing.  I knew it was sinful.  It just didn't seem like, I don't know, chopping off finger tips or something.  I remember reading that 90% of boys admitted to doing it, and the rest lied about it.  So what was so abusive about that?  In the church my guess is something more like 30% percent of the boys admit doing it, 40% lie about it, and 30% have it under control.  Now please don't think badly of me because of  my guesstimates.  They are just guesses based on my own, admittedly biased experience, which may or may not be way off base.  But I've had a lot of time to observe human behavior, both at church and at the clinic.  I know a lot more stuff goes on than most people are willing to acknowledge.  It's easy to start justifying myself.  It's normal.  Where's the harm in it?  It's just fantasy, right?

Well, no.  I don't think so.

Look at it this way.  What is God-ordained sex?  I've come to view it as a sacrament.  A God-sanctioned joining of two married humans of opposite gender that were designed from the beginning to complement one another, and  who could come together to complete a divine circle of unity and completeness.  In a way, they are also united with the divine in this act.

Now consider sex with self.  A single individual attempting, and failing because it is impossible by oneself, to find some sort of communion with images on a screen or imaginations in the mind, attempting to share himself in a way that makes no sense from a true sexual standpoint.  Not only does he not find the looked-for communion, he ends up fracturing his persona into two parts, the part that still desires a lawful communion, and the part that has lusted and wants to protect his ability to continue to lust, thus splitting himself, rather than joining.  A division, rather than a communion.  Destruction of self rather than a complementing of self.  And then there's the alienation from God.

So what do I think now of masturbation?  Self abuse, my friends.  Cruel and destructive, the antithesis of self love.

I am coming to view any sexual act that does not promote unity in marriage, and which doesn't strengthen my relationship with God to be unholy and destructive.  Pretty simple really!

May our communion with our spouses be forever strengthened.  May our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ also be fortified.  May we be susceptible to the enticings of the Holy Spirit.

One day at a time.

Love, Dan