I’ve never written a blog before and do not know where to
start. My husband had been encouraging
me for some time to write a guest blog and perhaps read his blogs. Unfortunately, I picked a time to read his
blogs when I was feeling down and upset.
As I read, I felt like a scab had been peeled away and instead of
revealing fresh, newly healed skin; it pulled tender flesh away and left it
deeper and bleeding profusely. It was at
this time, that I lashed out at the man I love more than anything in the
world.
On March 18th he wrote, “I'm writing to let you know that I'm still in the fight. I've been knocked down. I'm
bloody. I'm tired. I'm staggering a little, but I'm back up off the
mat.” I then proceeded to knock him down
again, and this time he’s still trying to find his feet. I only hope that he can forgive me for my
insecurities and weaknesses.
My husband and so
many other righteous men are truly white knights. They are fighting a battle to the death and
Satan is afraid of losing. Satan doesn’t
fight fair; he uses weapons of mass destruction and small thin rapiers. Pornography is akin to chemical warfare and
has the power to destroy families. My
husband was on the lookout for this, but when I twisted history and used bitter
words, they were like a knife straight to the heart.
I wish I was the
wonderful wife that he thinks I am. My
goal for this life is to be as loving, and serving, and forgiving and Christ-like
as my husband already is. I wish you all
the best as you continue to fight this battle; either as a warrior, or the ground
support personnel. God bless you.
It's not easy to be the wife of a porn addict and I suspect it is just as hard to BE a porn addict. That is why I love this world where we can share our inner most secrets and help each other heal without judgements. HUGS to you. You are the amazing wife he thinks you are.
ReplyDeleteYes! You're so right!! This is hard, hard stuff. Seriously hard.
DeleteYou're just as human as we are, and I don't believe any of the spouses have come through this without making mistakes! (In my case, about one million -give or take.)
ReplyDeleteIt's great to "hear" from you :)
Thanks for sharing this post! I have lashed out at my husband as well and I always regret it afterwards. Bless you for reaching out! Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI think we have all lashed out at our husbands. I know I have. The key for codependents is the same for addicts. Admit the wrong, do what you can to make amends, strive to be better next time and then simply move on.
ReplyDeleteDon't take the blame for him if he's slowed down in his recovery. I don't know that he has - but I know he's been quiet on his blog for a while. It's his choice to stay in the fight whether you are supporting or not.
I don't mean for that to sound harsh.. but that's coming from someone who walks both sides of the street. I'm an addict and a codependent. There have been many times when I've blamed my slow or backward recover on others, but at the end of the day, simply, the choice IS mine to keep moving or not.
My hubby and I have had Dan in our thoughts ... hope all is well.
Don't give up.
It was great hearing from you. No, you are not perfect either, but your husband's choices are not your fault. You have your own battle to fight. Satan wants to take us all down. I don't know you beyond these few words, but my heart swells with love for you. We are sisters in this, all of us WOPA's are. We are imperfect and the pain and reality of what we are going through gives us a whole new world to try to "overcome" in a way. God is refining us all.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you both!
-MM
I love you, Sweetheart! I know that you are a good person. You are kind, and loving and serving, and you are always showing me your love by all of the little things you do for me! Like Harriet S said, it's tough being married to a lust addict, and yes, it's tough being one, and like others have said, you aren't to blame for my failings. I do appreciate the olive branch, though. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI loved this part...." My goal for this life is to be as loving, and serving, and forgiving and Christ-like as my husband already is." I feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteIt was great to "hear" from you. My thoughts are prayers are with both you and Dan. *hugs*
aww Dan's reply almost made me cry!
ReplyDeletedear wife, thanks for posting! you are not alone!
we are all fighting the same battle and there is hope and happiness to be had!
love you!
-d
Great post:) You are amazing and stronger than you think! The WoPA's are here for you. HUGS!!
ReplyDeleteAww, this brought me to tears. I'm also a wife to a recovering porn addict (he's currently under GreatnessAhead) and although I find the journey and the discovery as the biggest blow to my life, I have faith that everything will be better and that I will also be completely healed. A husband's who's willing to change and a supportive wife is an excellent recipe for a successful recovery and improved marriage. Thank you for your inspiring posts. All the best.
ReplyDelete