A long-anticipated day has finally arrived. Tonight I board a plane heading for Recife Brazil, where my middle son is finishing up his mission.
The trip will be a long one. I leave tonight (Friday) at 10:30 P.M. and won't arrive in Recife until Sunday afternoon, more than 33 hrs. of travel.
In 1983 and 1984 I served my own mission to Paraguay, which has a border with Brazil. At that time I was able to visit Brazil on P-days, while serving in one of my areas. We were allowed to go visit the Iguazu falls and the close-by areas, and were exposed to Portuguese, which intrigued me, because it is in many ways similar to Spanish. I've always wanted to go back to Brazil, and so now that the chance has come, I'm taking it.
The Mission President was excited for me and was very welcoming. A member family has generously offered to let my son and I stay with them for the week that we'll be there together. I will be his missionary companion during that time.
I expect the whole week to be taken up visiting families and investigators that he has come to know while serving there. I have been studying Portuguese for the past year so that I will be somewhat able to communicate and share my testimony. I will finish reading the Book of Mormon in Portuguese today.
I expect it to be a week of rejoicing and blessing. I am not interested in touristy stuff. I care about people, and I want to get to know as many of them as possible.
At some point in the next couple of weeks, I expect that we will have some good serious discussions about the hard things. The things I've learned. Where I'm at. The dangers, and the traps, and the hope that I have for myself and for him. I hope that by doing so I can help to spare him from some of the misery and suffering that I've been through, and that I've put others through.
So, dear friends, you will probably not be hearing much, if anything, from me for the next two weeks or so. I expect to keep my bottom planted firmly to the seat of the wagon during that time, and I'll fill you in when I get back!
Love, Dan
Friday, February 15, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Accomplishment and Self Abuse
Today was my 90th day clean mark. I am thankful to have been able to attend my SA meeting and to be able to celebrate this moment in genuine recovery, with recovery to me meaning no sexual acting out, no masturbation, no viewing of pornography of any sort, and no lustful thinking. Most people view their sexual sobriety date in terms of only the first three things. I do too. Nevertheless I think it significant to acknowledge that without that last listed item, I do not consider myself to be in full recovery.
I attribute my success in the program thus far to the grace of God in helping me come to a place of complete vulnerability, where I am willing to acknowledge my absolute powerlessness over lust, yet giving me the faith to trust in his ability and willingness to remove it from me.
I have also learned how to use some tools to short circuit the lust cycle, preventing lust from ever being spawned in my head. Mainly, that means cutting negative thinking off at the ankles. Any apathy or unsettled thoughts are dealt with promptly by a phone call to a sponsor, by communication, by prayer, by wholesome and uplifting music, by scripture study or by diversion of some other sort. I have learned the value of regular 12 step meetings, of openness, vulnerabilty, honesty and the companionship of others in the fight. I am working the steps.
On Wednesday of this coming week I hope to be able to attend a PASG meeting, my first in years. My schedule has not allowed it. Today I was released from a calling that required my presence on that night, thus freeing me up to attend. It's still a ninety minutes one way drive, nevertheless I am excited that now I will be able to attend two meetings weekly, with two slightly different takes on the same topic.
I remember when I was younger, sort of mocking the term self-abuse. That is how masturbation was defined in some circles. "How is it abuse?" I thought. I knew it wasn't a good thing. I knew it was sinful. It just didn't seem like, I don't know, chopping off finger tips or something. I remember reading that 90% of boys admitted to doing it, and the rest lied about it. So what was so abusive about that? In the church my guess is something more like 30% percent of the boys admit doing it, 40% lie about it, and 30% have it under control. Now please don't think badly of me because of my guesstimates. They are just guesses based on my own, admittedly biased experience, which may or may not be way off base. But I've had a lot of time to observe human behavior, both at church and at the clinic. I know a lot more stuff goes on than most people are willing to acknowledge. It's easy to start justifying myself. It's normal. Where's the harm in it? It's just fantasy, right?
Well, no. I don't think so.
Look at it this way. What is God-ordained sex? I've come to view it as a sacrament. A God-sanctioned joining of two married humans of opposite gender that were designed from the beginning to complement one another, and who could come together to complete a divine circle of unity and completeness. In a way, they are also united with the divine in this act.
Now consider sex with self. A single individual attempting, and failing because it is impossible by oneself, to find some sort of communion with images on a screen or imaginations in the mind, attempting to share himself in a way that makes no sense from a true sexual standpoint. Not only does he not find the looked-for communion, he ends up fracturing his persona into two parts, the part that still desires a lawful communion, and the part that has lusted and wants to protect his ability to continue to lust, thus splitting himself, rather than joining. A division, rather than a communion. Destruction of self rather than a complementing of self. And then there's the alienation from God.
So what do I think now of masturbation? Self abuse, my friends. Cruel and destructive, the antithesis of self love.
I am coming to view any sexual act that does not promote unity in marriage, and which doesn't strengthen my relationship with God to be unholy and destructive. Pretty simple really!
May our communion with our spouses be forever strengthened. May our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ also be fortified. May we be susceptible to the enticings of the Holy Spirit.
One day at a time.
Love, Dan
I attribute my success in the program thus far to the grace of God in helping me come to a place of complete vulnerability, where I am willing to acknowledge my absolute powerlessness over lust, yet giving me the faith to trust in his ability and willingness to remove it from me.
I have also learned how to use some tools to short circuit the lust cycle, preventing lust from ever being spawned in my head. Mainly, that means cutting negative thinking off at the ankles. Any apathy or unsettled thoughts are dealt with promptly by a phone call to a sponsor, by communication, by prayer, by wholesome and uplifting music, by scripture study or by diversion of some other sort. I have learned the value of regular 12 step meetings, of openness, vulnerabilty, honesty and the companionship of others in the fight. I am working the steps.
On Wednesday of this coming week I hope to be able to attend a PASG meeting, my first in years. My schedule has not allowed it. Today I was released from a calling that required my presence on that night, thus freeing me up to attend. It's still a ninety minutes one way drive, nevertheless I am excited that now I will be able to attend two meetings weekly, with two slightly different takes on the same topic.
I remember when I was younger, sort of mocking the term self-abuse. That is how masturbation was defined in some circles. "How is it abuse?" I thought. I knew it wasn't a good thing. I knew it was sinful. It just didn't seem like, I don't know, chopping off finger tips or something. I remember reading that 90% of boys admitted to doing it, and the rest lied about it. So what was so abusive about that? In the church my guess is something more like 30% percent of the boys admit doing it, 40% lie about it, and 30% have it under control. Now please don't think badly of me because of my guesstimates. They are just guesses based on my own, admittedly biased experience, which may or may not be way off base. But I've had a lot of time to observe human behavior, both at church and at the clinic. I know a lot more stuff goes on than most people are willing to acknowledge. It's easy to start justifying myself. It's normal. Where's the harm in it? It's just fantasy, right?
Well, no. I don't think so.
Look at it this way. What is God-ordained sex? I've come to view it as a sacrament. A God-sanctioned joining of two married humans of opposite gender that were designed from the beginning to complement one another, and who could come together to complete a divine circle of unity and completeness. In a way, they are also united with the divine in this act.
Now consider sex with self. A single individual attempting, and failing because it is impossible by oneself, to find some sort of communion with images on a screen or imaginations in the mind, attempting to share himself in a way that makes no sense from a true sexual standpoint. Not only does he not find the looked-for communion, he ends up fracturing his persona into two parts, the part that still desires a lawful communion, and the part that has lusted and wants to protect his ability to continue to lust, thus splitting himself, rather than joining. A division, rather than a communion. Destruction of self rather than a complementing of self. And then there's the alienation from God.
So what do I think now of masturbation? Self abuse, my friends. Cruel and destructive, the antithesis of self love.
I am coming to view any sexual act that does not promote unity in marriage, and which doesn't strengthen my relationship with God to be unholy and destructive. Pretty simple really!
May our communion with our spouses be forever strengthened. May our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ also be fortified. May we be susceptible to the enticings of the Holy Spirit.
One day at a time.
Love, Dan
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Category I or Category II ?
Earlier in the week Mac re-posted a response to AskMormonGirl's blog on pornography. It was written by a former bishop who observed that addicts fall into "two surprisingly clear-cut categories: Those who struggled against the addiction, and those who struggled against everything that got between them and the addiction."
The men in the first category, in his experience, never cheated on their wives, abused or neglected their children, or progressed into more deviant territory.
The men from the second category did all of those things, blaming their wives the whole way.
That left me wondering into which category I fit.
As an aside. After reading the AskMormonGirl blog post that included that response, along with a WHOLE LOT of responses from men and women, who to me, seemed to be trying to justify their behavior and blaming the Church for its' teachings on the matter, suggesting that if our Church leaders would just keep their mouths shut on the topic it wouldn't be such a big deal. One of them even went so far as to attack Pres. Hinckley personally for talking about it so much. (That ticked me off, because I can't think of a finer man than he was.) After reading that I found myself feeling unhappy. Could it be true? Maybe all the talk about how bad it is, is what leads us to hide it, and that secrecy leads us straight into the addiction?
After mulling it over for awhile, I decided that I needed to pray about it and surrender those negative feelings, which I did. It was then that I began to see a little more clearly. I can virtually guarantee that a majority of those responses came from people who are in the bonds of addiction and are seeking to justify themselves and their sins. The Church leaders have done an admirable job of learning about addiction and trying to give us support. I think that our leaders are working towards de-stigmatizing it. The fact remains however that it was our Savior who said "That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." So if you have a problem with it, take it up with Him.
I have been feeling really happy and at peace for 86 days now. No porn, and no lusting. I've caught my wife singing to herself (something she rarely does, and a sure sign that she is happy). Why would I want to give that up in exchange for letting myself feel resentful towards the Church and its' leaders? No, the Spirit tells me which way is right, and that's the way I've been going. When I've wondered about the Spirit and how it communicates with me, versus how satan communicates, I realize that one thing satan never does is give me a feeling of peace. Working the 12 steps and working on my relationship with God does give me peace. The Spirit brings me peace. Satan's imitations do not.
Now back to the question of which category I fit into, and whether or not a man from the second category has any chance.
I struggled with it. Wasn't I neglectful? Wasn't the type of stuff I was viewing getting slowly but surely worse? Didn't I think that if my wife would just do such and such, or more often, or whatever, that things would be better? Didn't I push the envelope in the bedroom? Well, yes. All of those things are true.
But if we are searching for truth we must also acknowledge the things we did right. I seldom, if ever, put her down because of her appearance. I tried really hard to spend a lot of time with our kids and to be loving with them. I tried to help with household chores, though I never did as much as I should have. I made a really sincere effort to never use fantasy while making love. I tried to fulfill my callings in the Church. We prayed together almost every night throughout all of it. I did not disrespect my church leaders. I never criticized them. I tried to tell the truth (just not necessarily the whole truth) when they counseled me on the subject.
So it left me thinking, like Warrior, and like MM sees her husband, that I was somewhere in the middle. I think though, that if I were that bishop's ward member, he would have put me in the first category. On the other hand, there are some who have been from the second category and found their way back.
Is there anything a spouse can do if her husband is mostly a second category type of guy? If I am interpreting what I am learning correctly, the best way she can help is by making sure she is right with God, and then set her boundaries. She must define who she is, and who she is not; what she will do and what she will not do. It is then that she can live with grace and dignity, regardless of the actions of others. She will care without becoming a caretaker. Her eyes will be open, her heart sensitive to the Spirit when He is talking to her. She won't need to check up on him constantly, the Spirit will tell her what's up. She should not tolerate abuse! Just don't! It's awful! Nobody deserves to be constantly beaten down. Get out if you have to! It might even be the impetus to get someone into recovery. I subscribe to SA online and get dozens of e-mails daily. I can't tell you how many times already that I have seen a guy get serious about recovery because his wife left him. I know that can be an incredibly difficult decision to make, but if it needs to be made, do it.
So that's my current thinking. It should be interesting to see how my thinking evolves as my recovery continues!
I love you guys and gals!
The men in the first category, in his experience, never cheated on their wives, abused or neglected their children, or progressed into more deviant territory.
The men from the second category did all of those things, blaming their wives the whole way.
That left me wondering into which category I fit.
As an aside. After reading the AskMormonGirl blog post that included that response, along with a WHOLE LOT of responses from men and women, who to me, seemed to be trying to justify their behavior and blaming the Church for its' teachings on the matter, suggesting that if our Church leaders would just keep their mouths shut on the topic it wouldn't be such a big deal. One of them even went so far as to attack Pres. Hinckley personally for talking about it so much. (That ticked me off, because I can't think of a finer man than he was.) After reading that I found myself feeling unhappy. Could it be true? Maybe all the talk about how bad it is, is what leads us to hide it, and that secrecy leads us straight into the addiction?
After mulling it over for awhile, I decided that I needed to pray about it and surrender those negative feelings, which I did. It was then that I began to see a little more clearly. I can virtually guarantee that a majority of those responses came from people who are in the bonds of addiction and are seeking to justify themselves and their sins. The Church leaders have done an admirable job of learning about addiction and trying to give us support. I think that our leaders are working towards de-stigmatizing it. The fact remains however that it was our Savior who said "That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." So if you have a problem with it, take it up with Him.
I have been feeling really happy and at peace for 86 days now. No porn, and no lusting. I've caught my wife singing to herself (something she rarely does, and a sure sign that she is happy). Why would I want to give that up in exchange for letting myself feel resentful towards the Church and its' leaders? No, the Spirit tells me which way is right, and that's the way I've been going. When I've wondered about the Spirit and how it communicates with me, versus how satan communicates, I realize that one thing satan never does is give me a feeling of peace. Working the 12 steps and working on my relationship with God does give me peace. The Spirit brings me peace. Satan's imitations do not.
Now back to the question of which category I fit into, and whether or not a man from the second category has any chance.
I struggled with it. Wasn't I neglectful? Wasn't the type of stuff I was viewing getting slowly but surely worse? Didn't I think that if my wife would just do such and such, or more often, or whatever, that things would be better? Didn't I push the envelope in the bedroom? Well, yes. All of those things are true.
But if we are searching for truth we must also acknowledge the things we did right. I seldom, if ever, put her down because of her appearance. I tried really hard to spend a lot of time with our kids and to be loving with them. I tried to help with household chores, though I never did as much as I should have. I made a really sincere effort to never use fantasy while making love. I tried to fulfill my callings in the Church. We prayed together almost every night throughout all of it. I did not disrespect my church leaders. I never criticized them. I tried to tell the truth (just not necessarily the whole truth) when they counseled me on the subject.
So it left me thinking, like Warrior, and like MM sees her husband, that I was somewhere in the middle. I think though, that if I were that bishop's ward member, he would have put me in the first category. On the other hand, there are some who have been from the second category and found their way back.
Is there anything a spouse can do if her husband is mostly a second category type of guy? If I am interpreting what I am learning correctly, the best way she can help is by making sure she is right with God, and then set her boundaries. She must define who she is, and who she is not; what she will do and what she will not do. It is then that she can live with grace and dignity, regardless of the actions of others. She will care without becoming a caretaker. Her eyes will be open, her heart sensitive to the Spirit when He is talking to her. She won't need to check up on him constantly, the Spirit will tell her what's up. She should not tolerate abuse! Just don't! It's awful! Nobody deserves to be constantly beaten down. Get out if you have to! It might even be the impetus to get someone into recovery. I subscribe to SA online and get dozens of e-mails daily. I can't tell you how many times already that I have seen a guy get serious about recovery because his wife left him. I know that can be an incredibly difficult decision to make, but if it needs to be made, do it.
So that's my current thinking. It should be interesting to see how my thinking evolves as my recovery continues!
I love you guys and gals!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Healthy Lust?
How much lust is good in a relationship?
Seems like a lot of members struggle with this question.
In the White Book of SA, we read that "We lusted and wanted to be lusted after."
I have noticed that often for the first day or so after sexual relations with my wife that I would struggle to keep my thoughts in check. Since coming into recovery however, I have made an effort to make sure that every interaction with her not be lust-based. I can do that by steering my thoughts toward the loving. The caresses are intended to make her happy, not steer her toward doing something that I want. And the post-sex struggle has disappeared.
I've finally realized that I was trying all of these years to control my lust, when my goal should have been to annihilate it.
Another member of my twelve step group shared a story of how he struggled after driving by a strip club. The adrenaline/dopamine rush was making things very hard and he wanted to give in. He wisely called his sponsor, who asked him "How else can you get that feeling in your life; that rush, that high?" After thinking about it for a minute, he answered, "I don't think I can get that intense of a rush anywhere else." His sponsor then told him, "Perhaps it's time to mourn the loss then, and surrender it." As soon as he did so, the feelings disappeared. I have had a similar moment. I have surrendered my lust to God. I have placed it on the alter. It may slip off. If it does, I will need to pick it up as quickly as possible and place it back on the alter, until it can be burned up once and for all. I have faith that that day will come.
It seems to me that there is nearly always a counterfeit emotion for the good ones that we have. Pride wants to counterfeit a healthy self-esteem. Desire for vengeance wants to counterfeit a proper desire to see justice done. Greed counterfeits a wholesome desire to better our station in life. Permissiveness counterfeits peacemaking... and on and on and on.
In the culture in which we live, the desire to lust and be lusted after is portrayed so pervasively that it is considered to be the norm, and a part of love. Not only that; the subliminal message seems to be that if you are not indulging in it, then you are missing out in some major way on true happiness. I have found the truth to be just the opposite. A godly desire to be intimate with the spouse is not selfish, but a quest for unity. It does not leave you feeling embarrassed or wondering if what you did was right. I cannot recall a time in my marriage when I have felt either happier, or more fulfilled. I also see the shine starting to come back into my wife's eyes. Of course she still has bad days at work, and challenges with kids and relationships. Now though, when we get together I am able to really be there for her. She comes home stressed, and in a few minutes she is starting to relax and tell me of her troubles and challenges and soon she feels better. For some reason, for a long time I wasn't really able to do that very well or consistently. I am certain that the reasons are all tied up with lust addiction. (I just let her read this for verification, and she agrees! ha, ha)
A little housekeeping. I let the people at my group know that I was writing a blog. There was some concern about protection of anonymity. Not my own, but theirs. For that reason, I have removed my last name from my signature. I still believe that my more open stance on addiction is good for me, but there are times when I would like to share something, but feel that I can't in order to protect the identity of another. So that's the explanation.
Happy Sabbath! Love, Dan
Seems like a lot of members struggle with this question.
In the White Book of SA, we read that "We lusted and wanted to be lusted after."
I have noticed that often for the first day or so after sexual relations with my wife that I would struggle to keep my thoughts in check. Since coming into recovery however, I have made an effort to make sure that every interaction with her not be lust-based. I can do that by steering my thoughts toward the loving. The caresses are intended to make her happy, not steer her toward doing something that I want. And the post-sex struggle has disappeared.
I've finally realized that I was trying all of these years to control my lust, when my goal should have been to annihilate it.
Another member of my twelve step group shared a story of how he struggled after driving by a strip club. The adrenaline/dopamine rush was making things very hard and he wanted to give in. He wisely called his sponsor, who asked him "How else can you get that feeling in your life; that rush, that high?" After thinking about it for a minute, he answered, "I don't think I can get that intense of a rush anywhere else." His sponsor then told him, "Perhaps it's time to mourn the loss then, and surrender it." As soon as he did so, the feelings disappeared. I have had a similar moment. I have surrendered my lust to God. I have placed it on the alter. It may slip off. If it does, I will need to pick it up as quickly as possible and place it back on the alter, until it can be burned up once and for all. I have faith that that day will come.
It seems to me that there is nearly always a counterfeit emotion for the good ones that we have. Pride wants to counterfeit a healthy self-esteem. Desire for vengeance wants to counterfeit a proper desire to see justice done. Greed counterfeits a wholesome desire to better our station in life. Permissiveness counterfeits peacemaking... and on and on and on.
In the culture in which we live, the desire to lust and be lusted after is portrayed so pervasively that it is considered to be the norm, and a part of love. Not only that; the subliminal message seems to be that if you are not indulging in it, then you are missing out in some major way on true happiness. I have found the truth to be just the opposite. A godly desire to be intimate with the spouse is not selfish, but a quest for unity. It does not leave you feeling embarrassed or wondering if what you did was right. I cannot recall a time in my marriage when I have felt either happier, or more fulfilled. I also see the shine starting to come back into my wife's eyes. Of course she still has bad days at work, and challenges with kids and relationships. Now though, when we get together I am able to really be there for her. She comes home stressed, and in a few minutes she is starting to relax and tell me of her troubles and challenges and soon she feels better. For some reason, for a long time I wasn't really able to do that very well or consistently. I am certain that the reasons are all tied up with lust addiction. (I just let her read this for verification, and she agrees! ha, ha)
A little housekeeping. I let the people at my group know that I was writing a blog. There was some concern about protection of anonymity. Not my own, but theirs. For that reason, I have removed my last name from my signature. I still believe that my more open stance on addiction is good for me, but there are times when I would like to share something, but feel that I can't in order to protect the identity of another. So that's the explanation.
Happy Sabbath! Love, Dan
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
To the Still-Suffering Addict
I did my first step presentation at my 12 step group on Sunday night.
Nearly the entire meeting was taken up with my story. The usual format of no crosstalk was dropped, once my presentation was over with, and any who wanted to comment or ask questions were allowed to do so, and I was allowed to respond candidly.
It was interesting how nearly everyone pointed out similarities with their own stories. And of course, as usual, the dread of opening up of the very most personal parts of my life was met with understanding and compassion rather than condemnation.
I received an anonymous e-mail response recently to my blog. It was from a professional, like myself, who struggles with similar issues. The tone of his e-mail was completely familiar. Fear and embarrassment, frustration, not knowing how to best proceed to tackle the issue of m/b & porn. He is single in his late twenties, and wants to take care of it before considering marriage. I admire his willingness to look for answers, and to resolve it before bringing another person into the mix. One need only read the blogs of spouses to understand the ramifications of doing that. He has found this blog-ring, and expressed a desire to learn from the posts. I recommended Rowboat and Marbles first, because Andrew's blog has been the most helpful of all to me. So anonymous, don't give up! The solution is out there, and it's not nearly as painful as what you are going through now.
The other night, as we were preparing to close the clinic, one of the medical assistants asked me if we could take another walk-in. I said "That will put us into overtime." She said "OK" and started to walk away and I asked her "What is it?" and she answered "A girl with an earache." "How old?" I asked. "Five." she responded. I told her to go ahead and put her through. Later, when I went into the room, I asked the little girl what was wrong and she just burst into tears, dripping down her cheeks and onto her pants and said "My ear hurts!" In that moment my heart filled with compassion. I was so thankful that I had chosen to see her! I was able to put in some anesthetic drops and give her a dose of Motrin and an antibiotic prescription. Before she left she was smiling again.
That experience has caused me to reflect on the suffering addict, and my ability to respond to those who come seeking help. Each week as part of our meeting, we pause for a moment of silence and prayer on behalf of the still-suffering addict. I now know of an effective treatment; one that can quickly begin to soothe the pain and suffering, and lift the spirits. All it takes is for the suffering one to come to "the clinic", willing to follow "the prescription".
Love, Dan
Nearly the entire meeting was taken up with my story. The usual format of no crosstalk was dropped, once my presentation was over with, and any who wanted to comment or ask questions were allowed to do so, and I was allowed to respond candidly.
It was interesting how nearly everyone pointed out similarities with their own stories. And of course, as usual, the dread of opening up of the very most personal parts of my life was met with understanding and compassion rather than condemnation.
I received an anonymous e-mail response recently to my blog. It was from a professional, like myself, who struggles with similar issues. The tone of his e-mail was completely familiar. Fear and embarrassment, frustration, not knowing how to best proceed to tackle the issue of m/b & porn. He is single in his late twenties, and wants to take care of it before considering marriage. I admire his willingness to look for answers, and to resolve it before bringing another person into the mix. One need only read the blogs of spouses to understand the ramifications of doing that. He has found this blog-ring, and expressed a desire to learn from the posts. I recommended Rowboat and Marbles first, because Andrew's blog has been the most helpful of all to me. So anonymous, don't give up! The solution is out there, and it's not nearly as painful as what you are going through now.
The other night, as we were preparing to close the clinic, one of the medical assistants asked me if we could take another walk-in. I said "That will put us into overtime." She said "OK" and started to walk away and I asked her "What is it?" and she answered "A girl with an earache." "How old?" I asked. "Five." she responded. I told her to go ahead and put her through. Later, when I went into the room, I asked the little girl what was wrong and she just burst into tears, dripping down her cheeks and onto her pants and said "My ear hurts!" In that moment my heart filled with compassion. I was so thankful that I had chosen to see her! I was able to put in some anesthetic drops and give her a dose of Motrin and an antibiotic prescription. Before she left she was smiling again.
That experience has caused me to reflect on the suffering addict, and my ability to respond to those who come seeking help. Each week as part of our meeting, we pause for a moment of silence and prayer on behalf of the still-suffering addict. I now know of an effective treatment; one that can quickly begin to soothe the pain and suffering, and lift the spirits. All it takes is for the suffering one to come to "the clinic", willing to follow "the prescription".
Love, Dan
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Time to Reach Out
Tonight the Bishop told me that he had read my blog and that he was starting to read the "Rowboat and Marbles" blog also. I was very happy to hear that, since I think Andrew does an amazing job of getting a very important message across in a logically organized way.
He also asked me if it would be OK for him to give the blog address to another member of my ward who might benefit from it. Of course I told him "Yes!! By all means! Give it to anyone and everyone who is willing to read it that you think could be helped by it!"
I also told him that I was going to be delivering my first step presentation at the SA meeting this Sunday, and that I'd love to carpool with whoever wanted to attend.
I don't think he has looked at the other blogs on our blogs list, but I did give him the address on Sunday. I told him that I got a lot out of all of them, both the blogs of addicts and the spouses of addicts. Reading about the pain, and also the recovery taking place is a powerful motivator to me; it helps me stay on that strait and narrow path. Also, I feel a lot of love here, and so many sweet personalities.
I have decided to work the 12 steps of the ARP and the SA programs concurrently. I am going to have monthly meetings with the bishop to discuss my progress and the step-work that I am doing, working through the ARP workbook and some other sources as well.
Have a very nice day, everyone!
He also asked me if it would be OK for him to give the blog address to another member of my ward who might benefit from it. Of course I told him "Yes!! By all means! Give it to anyone and everyone who is willing to read it that you think could be helped by it!"
I also told him that I was going to be delivering my first step presentation at the SA meeting this Sunday, and that I'd love to carpool with whoever wanted to attend.
I don't think he has looked at the other blogs on our blogs list, but I did give him the address on Sunday. I told him that I got a lot out of all of them, both the blogs of addicts and the spouses of addicts. Reading about the pain, and also the recovery taking place is a powerful motivator to me; it helps me stay on that strait and narrow path. Also, I feel a lot of love here, and so many sweet personalities.
I have decided to work the 12 steps of the ARP and the SA programs concurrently. I am going to have monthly meetings with the bishop to discuss my progress and the step-work that I am doing, working through the ARP workbook and some other sources as well.
Have a very nice day, everyone!
Monday, January 21, 2013
New Hope
Tonight at the SA 12 step meeting we read the first step chapters from the Alcoholics Anonymous "12 Steps and 12 Traditions", as well as from our "White Book", in other words, the main text for the SA meetings.
In the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book there was some very encouraging news for the new addict. It told how in the first days of AA, that the only people who seemed to achieve recovery were those who had hit a very low "rock bottom". Later as these addicts achieved lasting sobriety and shared what they had learned with a new generation of addicts, more success was achieved with those who hadn't yet lost their wives and their homes and jobs. Later still, success began to be achieved with those who had just barely started down the path of alcoholism.
Why this change in success rates?
Great question!
It all comes back to the first step. "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable".
Awareness that our lives have become unmanageable is not easy to come by. In the early days it came only to those who had lost so much that it could not be denied. Usually, that meant their family, their livelihood, their homes and most everything else. But as this generation of addicts matured in their recoveries, they were able to point out to the addicts who had not yet lost all of these things that this is precisely how they had been, and then to challenge them that if they didn't believe that they were addicted, to just try to control their drinking for awhile. When the new generation had tried and failed a few times, it often became apparent to them that they were indeed addicted to alcohol, and if their efforts had been sincere, they would hit their own "rock bottom", having lost a lot less than the first generation.
And so it went with the next generation of new addicts who had just started down the path to addiction. They were challenged by their predecessors in turn to try to stop drinking if they really didn't think they were addicted. The same thing would happen and they would be convinced that they were addicted, having lost very little.
I can envision this same sort of thing happening with regards to lust addiction. As the first generation of lust addicts effectively communicates the signs of lust addiction to the rising generation, they can be warned off sooner, perhaps before the devastating losses mount up.
This is what I would hope for my sons, and for the husbands that I read about who would appear to be just starting down this path. "That's almost exactly how it started for me!" I could tell them. "If you don't think you are addicted, why don't you just stop and tell me how it goes?" "Perhaps you could talk to me again each month for awhile?" My guess is that with some of them at least, after a few failures, a recognition will begin to develop that "Yes, I am powerless over lust. I need help. I can't do this on my own!"
In our discussion tonight, one of the members recalled his sponsor telling him "All of the steps are easy, except for step one". Now, I'm not sure I could say that, but I would say that in my limited experience, no step is harder. It took me 37 years to achieve it. It's one thing to say the words, another entirely to feel them from the very depths of my soul.
And now that I have, I have found it to be "the magic key that opened the door and set (me) free". (from The White Book)
Before, I had been trying two options. I would either express my obsession by acting out, or I would attempt to contain it by white-knuckling or by abusing substances. The more I tried these two options the worse my addiction got, relentlessly progressing to more and more dangerous practices.
I wasn't aware of , or couldn't bring myself to truly believe in a third option; surrender. The paradox of surrendering to be set free. What a wonderful concept to those of us who have experienced it! I did it 70 days ago, and I repeat it regularly.
I see myself in the middle group of addicts. I am benefiting from the sacrifices and learning of the previous generation of recovering addicts. I have not yet lost my wife or children, my job or my home. I have however, caused a great deal of suffering on the part of loved ones, especially my dear wife. I have lost years that might have been spent more fruitfully. Many good works that will remain undone, because the time to do them has come and gone.
Nevertheless, there is a great deal of hope for the future, both for myself and for my loved ones, that I might be able to help another break the bands of addiction a lot earlier than I did. I am feeling frequent, intense outpourings of the Spirit. I am beginning to regain self respect, and confidence before the Lord.
Quoting from the Book of Helaman in the Book of Mormon Chapter 12 vss. 23-24 "Therefore, blessed are they who will repent and hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; for these are they that shall be saved. And may God grant, in His great fullness, that men might be brought unto repentance and good works, that they might be restored unto grace for grace, according to their works."
I am thankful for the men and women who have gone before me and are now showing me the way. MAN am I thankful for you. Really, really thankful! I know I am just getting started, but I also know that at last I have found the trail head. I am on the right path. My love goes out to all of you who read this! Good night!
In the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book there was some very encouraging news for the new addict. It told how in the first days of AA, that the only people who seemed to achieve recovery were those who had hit a very low "rock bottom". Later as these addicts achieved lasting sobriety and shared what they had learned with a new generation of addicts, more success was achieved with those who hadn't yet lost their wives and their homes and jobs. Later still, success began to be achieved with those who had just barely started down the path of alcoholism.
Why this change in success rates?
Great question!
It all comes back to the first step. "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable".
Awareness that our lives have become unmanageable is not easy to come by. In the early days it came only to those who had lost so much that it could not be denied. Usually, that meant their family, their livelihood, their homes and most everything else. But as this generation of addicts matured in their recoveries, they were able to point out to the addicts who had not yet lost all of these things that this is precisely how they had been, and then to challenge them that if they didn't believe that they were addicted, to just try to control their drinking for awhile. When the new generation had tried and failed a few times, it often became apparent to them that they were indeed addicted to alcohol, and if their efforts had been sincere, they would hit their own "rock bottom", having lost a lot less than the first generation.
And so it went with the next generation of new addicts who had just started down the path to addiction. They were challenged by their predecessors in turn to try to stop drinking if they really didn't think they were addicted. The same thing would happen and they would be convinced that they were addicted, having lost very little.
I can envision this same sort of thing happening with regards to lust addiction. As the first generation of lust addicts effectively communicates the signs of lust addiction to the rising generation, they can be warned off sooner, perhaps before the devastating losses mount up.
This is what I would hope for my sons, and for the husbands that I read about who would appear to be just starting down this path. "That's almost exactly how it started for me!" I could tell them. "If you don't think you are addicted, why don't you just stop and tell me how it goes?" "Perhaps you could talk to me again each month for awhile?" My guess is that with some of them at least, after a few failures, a recognition will begin to develop that "Yes, I am powerless over lust. I need help. I can't do this on my own!"
In our discussion tonight, one of the members recalled his sponsor telling him "All of the steps are easy, except for step one". Now, I'm not sure I could say that, but I would say that in my limited experience, no step is harder. It took me 37 years to achieve it. It's one thing to say the words, another entirely to feel them from the very depths of my soul.
And now that I have, I have found it to be "the magic key that opened the door and set (me) free". (from The White Book)
Before, I had been trying two options. I would either express my obsession by acting out, or I would attempt to contain it by white-knuckling or by abusing substances. The more I tried these two options the worse my addiction got, relentlessly progressing to more and more dangerous practices.
I wasn't aware of , or couldn't bring myself to truly believe in a third option; surrender. The paradox of surrendering to be set free. What a wonderful concept to those of us who have experienced it! I did it 70 days ago, and I repeat it regularly.
I see myself in the middle group of addicts. I am benefiting from the sacrifices and learning of the previous generation of recovering addicts. I have not yet lost my wife or children, my job or my home. I have however, caused a great deal of suffering on the part of loved ones, especially my dear wife. I have lost years that might have been spent more fruitfully. Many good works that will remain undone, because the time to do them has come and gone.
Nevertheless, there is a great deal of hope for the future, both for myself and for my loved ones, that I might be able to help another break the bands of addiction a lot earlier than I did. I am feeling frequent, intense outpourings of the Spirit. I am beginning to regain self respect, and confidence before the Lord.
Quoting from the Book of Helaman in the Book of Mormon Chapter 12 vss. 23-24 "Therefore, blessed are they who will repent and hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; for these are they that shall be saved. And may God grant, in His great fullness, that men might be brought unto repentance and good works, that they might be restored unto grace for grace, according to their works."
I am thankful for the men and women who have gone before me and are now showing me the way. MAN am I thankful for you. Really, really thankful! I know I am just getting started, but I also know that at last I have found the trail head. I am on the right path. My love goes out to all of you who read this! Good night!
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