Healthy Lust?

How much lust is good in a relationship?

Seems like a lot of members struggle with this question. 

In the White Book of SA, we read that "We lusted and wanted to be lusted after." 

I have noticed that often for the first day or so after sexual relations with my wife that I would struggle to keep my thoughts in check.  Since coming into recovery however, I have made an effort to make sure that every interaction with her not be lust-based.  I can do that by steering my thoughts toward the loving.  The caresses are intended to make her happy, not steer her toward doing something that I want.  And the post-sex struggle has disappeared. 

I've finally realized that I was trying all of these years to control my lust, when my goal should have been to annihilate it. 

Another member of my twelve step group shared a story of how he struggled after driving by a strip club.  The adrenaline/dopamine rush was making things very hard and he wanted to give in.  He wisely called his sponsor, who asked him "How else can you get that feeling in your life; that rush, that high?"  After thinking about it for a minute, he answered, "I don't think I can get that intense of a rush anywhere else."  His sponsor then told him, "Perhaps it's time to mourn the loss then,  and surrender it."  As soon as he did so, the feelings disappeared.  I have had a similar moment.  I have surrendered my lust to God.  I have placed it on the alter.  It may slip off.  If it does, I will need to pick it up as quickly as possible and place it back on the alter, until it can be burned up once and for all.  I have faith that that day will come. 

It seems to me that there is nearly always a counterfeit emotion for the good ones that we have.  Pride wants to counterfeit a healthy self-esteem.  Desire for vengeance wants to counterfeit a proper desire to see justice done.  Greed counterfeits a wholesome desire to better our station in life.  Permissiveness counterfeits peacemaking... and on and on and on. 

In the culture in which we live, the desire to lust and be lusted after is portrayed so pervasively that it is considered to be the norm, and a part of love.  Not only that; the subliminal message seems to be that if you are not indulging in it, then you are missing out in some major way on true happiness.  I have found the truth to be just the opposite.  A godly desire to be intimate with the spouse is not selfish, but a quest for unity.  It does not leave you feeling embarrassed or wondering if what you did was right.  I cannot recall a time in my marriage when I have felt either happier, or more fulfilled.  I also see the shine starting to come back into my wife's eyes.  Of course she still has bad days at work, and challenges with kids and relationships.  Now though, when we get together I am able to really be there for her.  She comes home stressed, and in a few minutes she is starting to relax and tell me of her troubles and challenges and soon she feels better.  For some reason, for a long time I wasn't really able to do that very well or consistently.  I am certain that the reasons are all tied up with lust addiction.  (I just let her read this for verification, and she agrees!  ha, ha)

A little housekeeping.  I let the people at my group know that I was writing a blog.  There was some concern about protection of anonymity.  Not my own, but theirs.  For that reason, I have removed my last name from my signature.  I still believe that my more open stance on addiction is good for me, but there are times when I would like to share something, but feel that I can't in order to protect the identity of another.  So that's the explanation. 

Happy Sabbath!  Love, Dan