A long-anticipated day has finally arrived. Tonight I board a plane heading for Recife Brazil, where my middle son is finishing up his mission.
The trip will be a long one. I leave tonight (Friday) at 10:30 P.M. and won't arrive in Recife until Sunday afternoon, more than 33 hrs. of travel.
In 1983 and 1984 I served my own mission to Paraguay, which has a border with Brazil. At that time I was able to visit Brazil on P-days, while serving in one of my areas. We were allowed to go visit the Iguazu falls and the close-by areas, and were exposed to Portuguese, which intrigued me, because it is in many ways similar to Spanish. I've always wanted to go back to Brazil, and so now that the chance has come, I'm taking it.
The Mission President was excited for me and was very welcoming. A member family has generously offered to let my son and I stay with them for the week that we'll be there together. I will be his missionary companion during that time.
I expect the whole week to be taken up visiting families and investigators that he has come to know while serving there. I have been studying Portuguese for the past year so that I will be somewhat able to communicate and share my testimony. I will finish reading the Book of Mormon in Portuguese today.
I expect it to be a week of rejoicing and blessing. I am not interested in touristy stuff. I care about people, and I want to get to know as many of them as possible.
At some point in the next couple of weeks, I expect that we will have some good serious discussions about the hard things. The things I've learned. Where I'm at. The dangers, and the traps, and the hope that I have for myself and for him. I hope that by doing so I can help to spare him from some of the misery and suffering that I've been through, and that I've put others through.
So, dear friends, you will probably not be hearing much, if anything, from me for the next two weeks or so. I expect to keep my bottom planted firmly to the seat of the wagon during that time, and I'll fill you in when I get back!
Love, Dan
Friday, February 15, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Accomplishment and Self Abuse
Today was my 90th day clean mark. I am thankful to have been able to attend my SA meeting and to be able to celebrate this moment in genuine recovery, with recovery to me meaning no sexual acting out, no masturbation, no viewing of pornography of any sort, and no lustful thinking. Most people view their sexual sobriety date in terms of only the first three things. I do too. Nevertheless I think it significant to acknowledge that without that last listed item, I do not consider myself to be in full recovery.
I attribute my success in the program thus far to the grace of God in helping me come to a place of complete vulnerability, where I am willing to acknowledge my absolute powerlessness over lust, yet giving me the faith to trust in his ability and willingness to remove it from me.
I have also learned how to use some tools to short circuit the lust cycle, preventing lust from ever being spawned in my head. Mainly, that means cutting negative thinking off at the ankles. Any apathy or unsettled thoughts are dealt with promptly by a phone call to a sponsor, by communication, by prayer, by wholesome and uplifting music, by scripture study or by diversion of some other sort. I have learned the value of regular 12 step meetings, of openness, vulnerabilty, honesty and the companionship of others in the fight. I am working the steps.
On Wednesday of this coming week I hope to be able to attend a PASG meeting, my first in years. My schedule has not allowed it. Today I was released from a calling that required my presence on that night, thus freeing me up to attend. It's still a ninety minutes one way drive, nevertheless I am excited that now I will be able to attend two meetings weekly, with two slightly different takes on the same topic.
I remember when I was younger, sort of mocking the term self-abuse. That is how masturbation was defined in some circles. "How is it abuse?" I thought. I knew it wasn't a good thing. I knew it was sinful. It just didn't seem like, I don't know, chopping off finger tips or something. I remember reading that 90% of boys admitted to doing it, and the rest lied about it. So what was so abusive about that? In the church my guess is something more like 30% percent of the boys admit doing it, 40% lie about it, and 30% have it under control. Now please don't think badly of me because of my guesstimates. They are just guesses based on my own, admittedly biased experience, which may or may not be way off base. But I've had a lot of time to observe human behavior, both at church and at the clinic. I know a lot more stuff goes on than most people are willing to acknowledge. It's easy to start justifying myself. It's normal. Where's the harm in it? It's just fantasy, right?
Well, no. I don't think so.
Look at it this way. What is God-ordained sex? I've come to view it as a sacrament. A God-sanctioned joining of two married humans of opposite gender that were designed from the beginning to complement one another, and who could come together to complete a divine circle of unity and completeness. In a way, they are also united with the divine in this act.
Now consider sex with self. A single individual attempting, and failing because it is impossible by oneself, to find some sort of communion with images on a screen or imaginations in the mind, attempting to share himself in a way that makes no sense from a true sexual standpoint. Not only does he not find the looked-for communion, he ends up fracturing his persona into two parts, the part that still desires a lawful communion, and the part that has lusted and wants to protect his ability to continue to lust, thus splitting himself, rather than joining. A division, rather than a communion. Destruction of self rather than a complementing of self. And then there's the alienation from God.
So what do I think now of masturbation? Self abuse, my friends. Cruel and destructive, the antithesis of self love.
I am coming to view any sexual act that does not promote unity in marriage, and which doesn't strengthen my relationship with God to be unholy and destructive. Pretty simple really!
May our communion with our spouses be forever strengthened. May our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ also be fortified. May we be susceptible to the enticings of the Holy Spirit.
One day at a time.
Love, Dan
I attribute my success in the program thus far to the grace of God in helping me come to a place of complete vulnerability, where I am willing to acknowledge my absolute powerlessness over lust, yet giving me the faith to trust in his ability and willingness to remove it from me.
I have also learned how to use some tools to short circuit the lust cycle, preventing lust from ever being spawned in my head. Mainly, that means cutting negative thinking off at the ankles. Any apathy or unsettled thoughts are dealt with promptly by a phone call to a sponsor, by communication, by prayer, by wholesome and uplifting music, by scripture study or by diversion of some other sort. I have learned the value of regular 12 step meetings, of openness, vulnerabilty, honesty and the companionship of others in the fight. I am working the steps.
On Wednesday of this coming week I hope to be able to attend a PASG meeting, my first in years. My schedule has not allowed it. Today I was released from a calling that required my presence on that night, thus freeing me up to attend. It's still a ninety minutes one way drive, nevertheless I am excited that now I will be able to attend two meetings weekly, with two slightly different takes on the same topic.
I remember when I was younger, sort of mocking the term self-abuse. That is how masturbation was defined in some circles. "How is it abuse?" I thought. I knew it wasn't a good thing. I knew it was sinful. It just didn't seem like, I don't know, chopping off finger tips or something. I remember reading that 90% of boys admitted to doing it, and the rest lied about it. So what was so abusive about that? In the church my guess is something more like 30% percent of the boys admit doing it, 40% lie about it, and 30% have it under control. Now please don't think badly of me because of my guesstimates. They are just guesses based on my own, admittedly biased experience, which may or may not be way off base. But I've had a lot of time to observe human behavior, both at church and at the clinic. I know a lot more stuff goes on than most people are willing to acknowledge. It's easy to start justifying myself. It's normal. Where's the harm in it? It's just fantasy, right?
Well, no. I don't think so.
Look at it this way. What is God-ordained sex? I've come to view it as a sacrament. A God-sanctioned joining of two married humans of opposite gender that were designed from the beginning to complement one another, and who could come together to complete a divine circle of unity and completeness. In a way, they are also united with the divine in this act.
Now consider sex with self. A single individual attempting, and failing because it is impossible by oneself, to find some sort of communion with images on a screen or imaginations in the mind, attempting to share himself in a way that makes no sense from a true sexual standpoint. Not only does he not find the looked-for communion, he ends up fracturing his persona into two parts, the part that still desires a lawful communion, and the part that has lusted and wants to protect his ability to continue to lust, thus splitting himself, rather than joining. A division, rather than a communion. Destruction of self rather than a complementing of self. And then there's the alienation from God.
So what do I think now of masturbation? Self abuse, my friends. Cruel and destructive, the antithesis of self love.
I am coming to view any sexual act that does not promote unity in marriage, and which doesn't strengthen my relationship with God to be unholy and destructive. Pretty simple really!
May our communion with our spouses be forever strengthened. May our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ also be fortified. May we be susceptible to the enticings of the Holy Spirit.
One day at a time.
Love, Dan
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Category I or Category II ?
Earlier in the week Mac re-posted a response to AskMormonGirl's blog on pornography. It was written by a former bishop who observed that addicts fall into "two surprisingly clear-cut categories: Those who struggled against the addiction, and those who struggled against everything that got between them and the addiction."
The men in the first category, in his experience, never cheated on their wives, abused or neglected their children, or progressed into more deviant territory.
The men from the second category did all of those things, blaming their wives the whole way.
That left me wondering into which category I fit.
As an aside. After reading the AskMormonGirl blog post that included that response, along with a WHOLE LOT of responses from men and women, who to me, seemed to be trying to justify their behavior and blaming the Church for its' teachings on the matter, suggesting that if our Church leaders would just keep their mouths shut on the topic it wouldn't be such a big deal. One of them even went so far as to attack Pres. Hinckley personally for talking about it so much. (That ticked me off, because I can't think of a finer man than he was.) After reading that I found myself feeling unhappy. Could it be true? Maybe all the talk about how bad it is, is what leads us to hide it, and that secrecy leads us straight into the addiction?
After mulling it over for awhile, I decided that I needed to pray about it and surrender those negative feelings, which I did. It was then that I began to see a little more clearly. I can virtually guarantee that a majority of those responses came from people who are in the bonds of addiction and are seeking to justify themselves and their sins. The Church leaders have done an admirable job of learning about addiction and trying to give us support. I think that our leaders are working towards de-stigmatizing it. The fact remains however that it was our Savior who said "That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." So if you have a problem with it, take it up with Him.
I have been feeling really happy and at peace for 86 days now. No porn, and no lusting. I've caught my wife singing to herself (something she rarely does, and a sure sign that she is happy). Why would I want to give that up in exchange for letting myself feel resentful towards the Church and its' leaders? No, the Spirit tells me which way is right, and that's the way I've been going. When I've wondered about the Spirit and how it communicates with me, versus how satan communicates, I realize that one thing satan never does is give me a feeling of peace. Working the 12 steps and working on my relationship with God does give me peace. The Spirit brings me peace. Satan's imitations do not.
Now back to the question of which category I fit into, and whether or not a man from the second category has any chance.
I struggled with it. Wasn't I neglectful? Wasn't the type of stuff I was viewing getting slowly but surely worse? Didn't I think that if my wife would just do such and such, or more often, or whatever, that things would be better? Didn't I push the envelope in the bedroom? Well, yes. All of those things are true.
But if we are searching for truth we must also acknowledge the things we did right. I seldom, if ever, put her down because of her appearance. I tried really hard to spend a lot of time with our kids and to be loving with them. I tried to help with household chores, though I never did as much as I should have. I made a really sincere effort to never use fantasy while making love. I tried to fulfill my callings in the Church. We prayed together almost every night throughout all of it. I did not disrespect my church leaders. I never criticized them. I tried to tell the truth (just not necessarily the whole truth) when they counseled me on the subject.
So it left me thinking, like Warrior, and like MM sees her husband, that I was somewhere in the middle. I think though, that if I were that bishop's ward member, he would have put me in the first category. On the other hand, there are some who have been from the second category and found their way back.
Is there anything a spouse can do if her husband is mostly a second category type of guy? If I am interpreting what I am learning correctly, the best way she can help is by making sure she is right with God, and then set her boundaries. She must define who she is, and who she is not; what she will do and what she will not do. It is then that she can live with grace and dignity, regardless of the actions of others. She will care without becoming a caretaker. Her eyes will be open, her heart sensitive to the Spirit when He is talking to her. She won't need to check up on him constantly, the Spirit will tell her what's up. She should not tolerate abuse! Just don't! It's awful! Nobody deserves to be constantly beaten down. Get out if you have to! It might even be the impetus to get someone into recovery. I subscribe to SA online and get dozens of e-mails daily. I can't tell you how many times already that I have seen a guy get serious about recovery because his wife left him. I know that can be an incredibly difficult decision to make, but if it needs to be made, do it.
So that's my current thinking. It should be interesting to see how my thinking evolves as my recovery continues!
I love you guys and gals!
The men in the first category, in his experience, never cheated on their wives, abused or neglected their children, or progressed into more deviant territory.
The men from the second category did all of those things, blaming their wives the whole way.
That left me wondering into which category I fit.
As an aside. After reading the AskMormonGirl blog post that included that response, along with a WHOLE LOT of responses from men and women, who to me, seemed to be trying to justify their behavior and blaming the Church for its' teachings on the matter, suggesting that if our Church leaders would just keep their mouths shut on the topic it wouldn't be such a big deal. One of them even went so far as to attack Pres. Hinckley personally for talking about it so much. (That ticked me off, because I can't think of a finer man than he was.) After reading that I found myself feeling unhappy. Could it be true? Maybe all the talk about how bad it is, is what leads us to hide it, and that secrecy leads us straight into the addiction?
After mulling it over for awhile, I decided that I needed to pray about it and surrender those negative feelings, which I did. It was then that I began to see a little more clearly. I can virtually guarantee that a majority of those responses came from people who are in the bonds of addiction and are seeking to justify themselves and their sins. The Church leaders have done an admirable job of learning about addiction and trying to give us support. I think that our leaders are working towards de-stigmatizing it. The fact remains however that it was our Savior who said "That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." So if you have a problem with it, take it up with Him.
I have been feeling really happy and at peace for 86 days now. No porn, and no lusting. I've caught my wife singing to herself (something she rarely does, and a sure sign that she is happy). Why would I want to give that up in exchange for letting myself feel resentful towards the Church and its' leaders? No, the Spirit tells me which way is right, and that's the way I've been going. When I've wondered about the Spirit and how it communicates with me, versus how satan communicates, I realize that one thing satan never does is give me a feeling of peace. Working the 12 steps and working on my relationship with God does give me peace. The Spirit brings me peace. Satan's imitations do not.
Now back to the question of which category I fit into, and whether or not a man from the second category has any chance.
I struggled with it. Wasn't I neglectful? Wasn't the type of stuff I was viewing getting slowly but surely worse? Didn't I think that if my wife would just do such and such, or more often, or whatever, that things would be better? Didn't I push the envelope in the bedroom? Well, yes. All of those things are true.
But if we are searching for truth we must also acknowledge the things we did right. I seldom, if ever, put her down because of her appearance. I tried really hard to spend a lot of time with our kids and to be loving with them. I tried to help with household chores, though I never did as much as I should have. I made a really sincere effort to never use fantasy while making love. I tried to fulfill my callings in the Church. We prayed together almost every night throughout all of it. I did not disrespect my church leaders. I never criticized them. I tried to tell the truth (just not necessarily the whole truth) when they counseled me on the subject.
So it left me thinking, like Warrior, and like MM sees her husband, that I was somewhere in the middle. I think though, that if I were that bishop's ward member, he would have put me in the first category. On the other hand, there are some who have been from the second category and found their way back.
Is there anything a spouse can do if her husband is mostly a second category type of guy? If I am interpreting what I am learning correctly, the best way she can help is by making sure she is right with God, and then set her boundaries. She must define who she is, and who she is not; what she will do and what she will not do. It is then that she can live with grace and dignity, regardless of the actions of others. She will care without becoming a caretaker. Her eyes will be open, her heart sensitive to the Spirit when He is talking to her. She won't need to check up on him constantly, the Spirit will tell her what's up. She should not tolerate abuse! Just don't! It's awful! Nobody deserves to be constantly beaten down. Get out if you have to! It might even be the impetus to get someone into recovery. I subscribe to SA online and get dozens of e-mails daily. I can't tell you how many times already that I have seen a guy get serious about recovery because his wife left him. I know that can be an incredibly difficult decision to make, but if it needs to be made, do it.
So that's my current thinking. It should be interesting to see how my thinking evolves as my recovery continues!
I love you guys and gals!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Healthy Lust?
How much lust is good in a relationship?
Seems like a lot of members struggle with this question.
In the White Book of SA, we read that "We lusted and wanted to be lusted after."
I have noticed that often for the first day or so after sexual relations with my wife that I would struggle to keep my thoughts in check. Since coming into recovery however, I have made an effort to make sure that every interaction with her not be lust-based. I can do that by steering my thoughts toward the loving. The caresses are intended to make her happy, not steer her toward doing something that I want. And the post-sex struggle has disappeared.
I've finally realized that I was trying all of these years to control my lust, when my goal should have been to annihilate it.
Another member of my twelve step group shared a story of how he struggled after driving by a strip club. The adrenaline/dopamine rush was making things very hard and he wanted to give in. He wisely called his sponsor, who asked him "How else can you get that feeling in your life; that rush, that high?" After thinking about it for a minute, he answered, "I don't think I can get that intense of a rush anywhere else." His sponsor then told him, "Perhaps it's time to mourn the loss then, and surrender it." As soon as he did so, the feelings disappeared. I have had a similar moment. I have surrendered my lust to God. I have placed it on the alter. It may slip off. If it does, I will need to pick it up as quickly as possible and place it back on the alter, until it can be burned up once and for all. I have faith that that day will come.
It seems to me that there is nearly always a counterfeit emotion for the good ones that we have. Pride wants to counterfeit a healthy self-esteem. Desire for vengeance wants to counterfeit a proper desire to see justice done. Greed counterfeits a wholesome desire to better our station in life. Permissiveness counterfeits peacemaking... and on and on and on.
In the culture in which we live, the desire to lust and be lusted after is portrayed so pervasively that it is considered to be the norm, and a part of love. Not only that; the subliminal message seems to be that if you are not indulging in it, then you are missing out in some major way on true happiness. I have found the truth to be just the opposite. A godly desire to be intimate with the spouse is not selfish, but a quest for unity. It does not leave you feeling embarrassed or wondering if what you did was right. I cannot recall a time in my marriage when I have felt either happier, or more fulfilled. I also see the shine starting to come back into my wife's eyes. Of course she still has bad days at work, and challenges with kids and relationships. Now though, when we get together I am able to really be there for her. She comes home stressed, and in a few minutes she is starting to relax and tell me of her troubles and challenges and soon she feels better. For some reason, for a long time I wasn't really able to do that very well or consistently. I am certain that the reasons are all tied up with lust addiction. (I just let her read this for verification, and she agrees! ha, ha)
A little housekeeping. I let the people at my group know that I was writing a blog. There was some concern about protection of anonymity. Not my own, but theirs. For that reason, I have removed my last name from my signature. I still believe that my more open stance on addiction is good for me, but there are times when I would like to share something, but feel that I can't in order to protect the identity of another. So that's the explanation.
Happy Sabbath! Love, Dan
Seems like a lot of members struggle with this question.
In the White Book of SA, we read that "We lusted and wanted to be lusted after."
I have noticed that often for the first day or so after sexual relations with my wife that I would struggle to keep my thoughts in check. Since coming into recovery however, I have made an effort to make sure that every interaction with her not be lust-based. I can do that by steering my thoughts toward the loving. The caresses are intended to make her happy, not steer her toward doing something that I want. And the post-sex struggle has disappeared.
I've finally realized that I was trying all of these years to control my lust, when my goal should have been to annihilate it.
Another member of my twelve step group shared a story of how he struggled after driving by a strip club. The adrenaline/dopamine rush was making things very hard and he wanted to give in. He wisely called his sponsor, who asked him "How else can you get that feeling in your life; that rush, that high?" After thinking about it for a minute, he answered, "I don't think I can get that intense of a rush anywhere else." His sponsor then told him, "Perhaps it's time to mourn the loss then, and surrender it." As soon as he did so, the feelings disappeared. I have had a similar moment. I have surrendered my lust to God. I have placed it on the alter. It may slip off. If it does, I will need to pick it up as quickly as possible and place it back on the alter, until it can be burned up once and for all. I have faith that that day will come.
It seems to me that there is nearly always a counterfeit emotion for the good ones that we have. Pride wants to counterfeit a healthy self-esteem. Desire for vengeance wants to counterfeit a proper desire to see justice done. Greed counterfeits a wholesome desire to better our station in life. Permissiveness counterfeits peacemaking... and on and on and on.
In the culture in which we live, the desire to lust and be lusted after is portrayed so pervasively that it is considered to be the norm, and a part of love. Not only that; the subliminal message seems to be that if you are not indulging in it, then you are missing out in some major way on true happiness. I have found the truth to be just the opposite. A godly desire to be intimate with the spouse is not selfish, but a quest for unity. It does not leave you feeling embarrassed or wondering if what you did was right. I cannot recall a time in my marriage when I have felt either happier, or more fulfilled. I also see the shine starting to come back into my wife's eyes. Of course she still has bad days at work, and challenges with kids and relationships. Now though, when we get together I am able to really be there for her. She comes home stressed, and in a few minutes she is starting to relax and tell me of her troubles and challenges and soon she feels better. For some reason, for a long time I wasn't really able to do that very well or consistently. I am certain that the reasons are all tied up with lust addiction. (I just let her read this for verification, and she agrees! ha, ha)
A little housekeeping. I let the people at my group know that I was writing a blog. There was some concern about protection of anonymity. Not my own, but theirs. For that reason, I have removed my last name from my signature. I still believe that my more open stance on addiction is good for me, but there are times when I would like to share something, but feel that I can't in order to protect the identity of another. So that's the explanation.
Happy Sabbath! Love, Dan
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