I'm writing to let you know that I'm still in the fight.
I've been knocked down. I'm bloody. I'm tired. I'm staggering a little, but I'm back up off the mat.
A consequence of relapse is having to detox again. It sucks, simply put.
My interview with the bishop went well. He is patient and understanding. He is interested in what I have been learning about addiction and addiction recovery.
My SA meeting last night was interesting. Someone with over a year of sobriety lost it this past week. He was upset, to put it mildly. Not verbally so. Barely said anything. Looked a lot like I feel.
My sponsor told me that relapses aren't a part of recovery. I knew that, of course, hypothetically. Still want to believe that I will have learned something from it, though. Something that will help me prevent another slip.
It's an awful transition, to go from a place of sweet surrender to a place where I'm battling from moment to moment.
This week I'm determined to make calls daily. I need to read recovery lit. daily. I need to journal daily. I need to inventory daily. I need to read scriptures daily. There are a lot of things I need to do daily. It's harder when you don't want to do any of it.
And then there's the danger of thinking that by doing all of those things, I am saving myself. It can just be self-effort. Self effort without surrender is precisely what brought me to this point. Surrender without following the plan won't work either. I've gotta do both. Consistently. I need to be concerned with pleasing my Savior more than myself.
I cannot indulge the temptation to take lust hits if I want to be free of the misery. Not even from my wife. Not even in the most innocent (to the outward observer)of ways. She can be very willing to appease me, bless her heart. I love her very much. She doesn't get all of this. Heck, I don't know if I really want her to.
Triggers stink. And now the world is suddenly full of them. It wasn't! Looking at a blank wall can trigger me! What happened?
I let it in, and now I don't like it. It is a guest that has overstayed its' welcome. I knew it was a bad guest. Why did I let him through the door?
But today is a new day, just like each day, what will I do with this one?
God Bless,
Love, Dan
"It's harder when you don't want to do any of it."
ReplyDeleteAnd that is the true test of our obedience. When every single cell in our body is screaming for our fix... will we choose our Savior instead? It's soooo hard sometimes. But it can be done. It's not impossible.
I will openly disagree with your sponsor to a point. Yes, the active act of rebellion, the slip itself, in the moment, is not a part of recovery... because it's turning our back on recovery. But falling and getting back up again is absolutely apart of recovery. Learning and growing is apart of recovery and we can't do that without the slips and bumps.
My Stake president posed a question to me once... "what is the difference between a person who sins and repents and a person who never committed the sin?"... Answer: "They are both equally clean in the eyes of the Lord but the person who committed the sin has a deeper knowledge. That knowledge comes not from the slip, but from getting up and working the repentance process.
Am I advocating slips? No, maybe, sorta. Do I sometimes wish a sponsee would slip in order to "get it"... in order to crack the pride and allow humility to wash over them? Yes.
There is a change in you Dan. So don't regret the relapse. Learn from it. That's all the Savior wants. The price is already paid. Don't mourn the fallen hurdle. It's down and cannot be picked up. But you can pick yourself up.
Stagnancy is of the devil. Keep moving.
Thanks, Sidreis! I get knocked down. I get up again. I appreciate your encouragement! I appreciate your honesty, as well. I appreciate your empathy, because I know you've been through it; might even be again, but I hope not!
DeleteI'll try to keep my eye on the prize!
this is my favorite post of yours! You seem truly honest here. You seem like you're not hiding anything, like you're being true to you. Honesty is vital to recovery. I agree with Sidreis- what you learn from this slip or relapse or whatever it is you're going through, is a HUGE part of recovery. What you learn from this can be integrated in a most beautiful way into the path of your future successes. You will heal from this. Better sooner than later, but be patient with yourself as God is patient with you.
ReplyDeleteThat is my unsolicited advice. :)
Thanks, Stephanie! Could it be my vulnerability that you percieve? I have never intentionally lied about anything since starting my blog. It seems that, in hindsight, I was overly confident in my recovery. I guess time will tell whether it was a slip or a relapse; hopefully the former! Now you know how mortal I am!
DeleteOh, I never intended to imply that you were lying. I am sorry I wasn't clear! Perhaps I simply meant you appear more vulnerable, willing to expose the inner heart. :)
ReplyDeleteHa, ha, Stephanie! I was pretty sure you meant that; more real, more authentic, something like that. At any rate, I know you mean well, so don't worry about it. I'm always glad to hear from you, even if what you have to say is painful, as long as I feel you have my best interests at heart, which I feel you do, btw!
DeleteI think he was lying;-)
DeleteYes! I've been outed! I did all of these posts just to make myself look good! I confess!!!
Deletethanks for knowing I mean well!! That made my day kinda. :)
DeleteThere is a saying in 12 Step circles that sometimes you have to "fake it 'til you make it". I think when it comes to dailies (scripture study, prayer, working recovery) this has been very true in my experience. After a slip or relapse there is a tendency for me to try to be SUPER diligent, study, read, serve, reach out. But the thing is those are all wonderful things that will bring me closer to my Savior and the Spirit. So even if my efforts are initially selfish, the fruits can still be positive. Keep at it.
ReplyDeleteGood point, Tim! I'm starting to "fake it" less now. I'm starting to feel it again. Today has been a good day. Thanks for the encouragement!
DeleteKeeping it real is what will make the all the difference. Great post and great thinking. I appreciate your example. I wanted to share a link that you might find interesting. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1SdYo_ZYeE Dr. Rory Reid graduated from BYU. He has written a couple books I use to sell at my store. Here is another link to several other videos that you might find worth checking out. Kandee http://www.youtube.com/user/HypersexualDisorder
ReplyDeleteThanks, Finding Freckles. I appreciate your support and suggestions. I'll take a look at those!
DeleteYou are in my thoughts and prayers Dan!
ReplyDeleteThanks, hopefulwife Y. That helps!
DeletePraying for you Dan:)
ReplyDeleteYour compassion is touching, Sparrow. Seriously. Thanks!
DeleteJust read a post about routines that really helped me and I feel like would be particularly helpful after a difficult relapse. Here it is:
ReplyDeletehttp://familyprestige.blogspot.com/2013/03/good-simple-routines.html
It'll take a few weeks to get back on track, but it is possible. Keeping that balance like you said between doing your part and letting God do His is way important too. So often I try to do God's part or try to make Him do mine and it just doesn't work. Good luck
Hey man - was looking at my blogs and realized I hadn't seen one from you in a while. I hope things are ok, and even if they aren't, hang in there. Make some good decisions today and worry about tomorrow when it comes. Good luck and let us know if there's anything we can do to help
ReplyDeletejust thinking about you! i hope you are well and happy.
ReplyDeletekeep fighting dan!
-d.