I did my first step presentation at my 12 step group on Sunday night.
Nearly the entire meeting was taken up with my story. The usual format of no crosstalk was dropped, once my presentation was over with, and any who wanted to comment or ask questions were allowed to do so, and I was allowed to respond candidly.
It was interesting how nearly everyone pointed out similarities with their own stories. And of course, as usual, the dread of opening up of the very most personal parts of my life was met with understanding and compassion rather than condemnation.
I received an anonymous e-mail response recently to my blog. It was from a professional, like myself, who struggles with similar issues. The tone of his e-mail was completely familiar. Fear and embarrassment, frustration, not knowing how to best proceed to tackle the issue of m/b & porn. He is single in his late twenties, and wants to take care of it before considering marriage. I admire his willingness to look for answers, and to resolve it before bringing another person into the mix. One need only read the blogs of spouses to understand the ramifications of doing that. He has found this blog-ring, and expressed a desire to learn from the posts. I recommended Rowboat and Marbles first, because Andrew's blog has been the most helpful of all to me. So anonymous, don't give up! The solution is out there, and it's not nearly as painful as what you are going through now.
The other night, as we were preparing to close the clinic, one of the medical assistants asked me if we could take another walk-in. I said "That will put us into overtime." She said "OK" and started to walk away and I asked her "What is it?" and she answered "A girl with an earache." "How old?" I asked. "Five." she responded. I told her to go ahead and put her through. Later, when I went into the room, I asked the little girl what was wrong and she just burst into tears, dripping down her cheeks and onto her pants and said "My ear hurts!" In that moment my heart filled with compassion. I was so thankful that I had chosen to see her! I was able to put in some anesthetic drops and give her a dose of Motrin and an antibiotic prescription. Before she left she was smiling again.
That experience has caused me to reflect on the suffering addict, and my ability to respond to those who come seeking help. Each week as part of our meeting, we pause for a moment of silence and prayer on behalf of the still-suffering addict. I now know of an effective treatment; one that can quickly begin to soothe the pain and suffering, and lift the spirits. All it takes is for the suffering one to come to "the clinic", willing to follow "the prescription".
Love, Dan
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Time to Reach Out
Tonight the Bishop told me that he had read my blog and that he was starting to read the "Rowboat and Marbles" blog also. I was very happy to hear that, since I think Andrew does an amazing job of getting a very important message across in a logically organized way.
He also asked me if it would be OK for him to give the blog address to another member of my ward who might benefit from it. Of course I told him "Yes!! By all means! Give it to anyone and everyone who is willing to read it that you think could be helped by it!"
I also told him that I was going to be delivering my first step presentation at the SA meeting this Sunday, and that I'd love to carpool with whoever wanted to attend.
I don't think he has looked at the other blogs on our blogs list, but I did give him the address on Sunday. I told him that I got a lot out of all of them, both the blogs of addicts and the spouses of addicts. Reading about the pain, and also the recovery taking place is a powerful motivator to me; it helps me stay on that strait and narrow path. Also, I feel a lot of love here, and so many sweet personalities.
I have decided to work the 12 steps of the ARP and the SA programs concurrently. I am going to have monthly meetings with the bishop to discuss my progress and the step-work that I am doing, working through the ARP workbook and some other sources as well.
Have a very nice day, everyone!
He also asked me if it would be OK for him to give the blog address to another member of my ward who might benefit from it. Of course I told him "Yes!! By all means! Give it to anyone and everyone who is willing to read it that you think could be helped by it!"
I also told him that I was going to be delivering my first step presentation at the SA meeting this Sunday, and that I'd love to carpool with whoever wanted to attend.
I don't think he has looked at the other blogs on our blogs list, but I did give him the address on Sunday. I told him that I got a lot out of all of them, both the blogs of addicts and the spouses of addicts. Reading about the pain, and also the recovery taking place is a powerful motivator to me; it helps me stay on that strait and narrow path. Also, I feel a lot of love here, and so many sweet personalities.
I have decided to work the 12 steps of the ARP and the SA programs concurrently. I am going to have monthly meetings with the bishop to discuss my progress and the step-work that I am doing, working through the ARP workbook and some other sources as well.
Have a very nice day, everyone!
Monday, January 21, 2013
New Hope
Tonight at the SA 12 step meeting we read the first step chapters from the Alcoholics Anonymous "12 Steps and 12 Traditions", as well as from our "White Book", in other words, the main text for the SA meetings.
In the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book there was some very encouraging news for the new addict. It told how in the first days of AA, that the only people who seemed to achieve recovery were those who had hit a very low "rock bottom". Later as these addicts achieved lasting sobriety and shared what they had learned with a new generation of addicts, more success was achieved with those who hadn't yet lost their wives and their homes and jobs. Later still, success began to be achieved with those who had just barely started down the path of alcoholism.
Why this change in success rates?
Great question!
It all comes back to the first step. "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable".
Awareness that our lives have become unmanageable is not easy to come by. In the early days it came only to those who had lost so much that it could not be denied. Usually, that meant their family, their livelihood, their homes and most everything else. But as this generation of addicts matured in their recoveries, they were able to point out to the addicts who had not yet lost all of these things that this is precisely how they had been, and then to challenge them that if they didn't believe that they were addicted, to just try to control their drinking for awhile. When the new generation had tried and failed a few times, it often became apparent to them that they were indeed addicted to alcohol, and if their efforts had been sincere, they would hit their own "rock bottom", having lost a lot less than the first generation.
And so it went with the next generation of new addicts who had just started down the path to addiction. They were challenged by their predecessors in turn to try to stop drinking if they really didn't think they were addicted. The same thing would happen and they would be convinced that they were addicted, having lost very little.
I can envision this same sort of thing happening with regards to lust addiction. As the first generation of lust addicts effectively communicates the signs of lust addiction to the rising generation, they can be warned off sooner, perhaps before the devastating losses mount up.
This is what I would hope for my sons, and for the husbands that I read about who would appear to be just starting down this path. "That's almost exactly how it started for me!" I could tell them. "If you don't think you are addicted, why don't you just stop and tell me how it goes?" "Perhaps you could talk to me again each month for awhile?" My guess is that with some of them at least, after a few failures, a recognition will begin to develop that "Yes, I am powerless over lust. I need help. I can't do this on my own!"
In our discussion tonight, one of the members recalled his sponsor telling him "All of the steps are easy, except for step one". Now, I'm not sure I could say that, but I would say that in my limited experience, no step is harder. It took me 37 years to achieve it. It's one thing to say the words, another entirely to feel them from the very depths of my soul.
And now that I have, I have found it to be "the magic key that opened the door and set (me) free". (from The White Book)
Before, I had been trying two options. I would either express my obsession by acting out, or I would attempt to contain it by white-knuckling or by abusing substances. The more I tried these two options the worse my addiction got, relentlessly progressing to more and more dangerous practices.
I wasn't aware of , or couldn't bring myself to truly believe in a third option; surrender. The paradox of surrendering to be set free. What a wonderful concept to those of us who have experienced it! I did it 70 days ago, and I repeat it regularly.
I see myself in the middle group of addicts. I am benefiting from the sacrifices and learning of the previous generation of recovering addicts. I have not yet lost my wife or children, my job or my home. I have however, caused a great deal of suffering on the part of loved ones, especially my dear wife. I have lost years that might have been spent more fruitfully. Many good works that will remain undone, because the time to do them has come and gone.
Nevertheless, there is a great deal of hope for the future, both for myself and for my loved ones, that I might be able to help another break the bands of addiction a lot earlier than I did. I am feeling frequent, intense outpourings of the Spirit. I am beginning to regain self respect, and confidence before the Lord.
Quoting from the Book of Helaman in the Book of Mormon Chapter 12 vss. 23-24 "Therefore, blessed are they who will repent and hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; for these are they that shall be saved. And may God grant, in His great fullness, that men might be brought unto repentance and good works, that they might be restored unto grace for grace, according to their works."
I am thankful for the men and women who have gone before me and are now showing me the way. MAN am I thankful for you. Really, really thankful! I know I am just getting started, but I also know that at last I have found the trail head. I am on the right path. My love goes out to all of you who read this! Good night!
In the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book there was some very encouraging news for the new addict. It told how in the first days of AA, that the only people who seemed to achieve recovery were those who had hit a very low "rock bottom". Later as these addicts achieved lasting sobriety and shared what they had learned with a new generation of addicts, more success was achieved with those who hadn't yet lost their wives and their homes and jobs. Later still, success began to be achieved with those who had just barely started down the path of alcoholism.
Why this change in success rates?
Great question!
It all comes back to the first step. "We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, and that our lives had become unmanageable".
Awareness that our lives have become unmanageable is not easy to come by. In the early days it came only to those who had lost so much that it could not be denied. Usually, that meant their family, their livelihood, their homes and most everything else. But as this generation of addicts matured in their recoveries, they were able to point out to the addicts who had not yet lost all of these things that this is precisely how they had been, and then to challenge them that if they didn't believe that they were addicted, to just try to control their drinking for awhile. When the new generation had tried and failed a few times, it often became apparent to them that they were indeed addicted to alcohol, and if their efforts had been sincere, they would hit their own "rock bottom", having lost a lot less than the first generation.
And so it went with the next generation of new addicts who had just started down the path to addiction. They were challenged by their predecessors in turn to try to stop drinking if they really didn't think they were addicted. The same thing would happen and they would be convinced that they were addicted, having lost very little.
I can envision this same sort of thing happening with regards to lust addiction. As the first generation of lust addicts effectively communicates the signs of lust addiction to the rising generation, they can be warned off sooner, perhaps before the devastating losses mount up.
This is what I would hope for my sons, and for the husbands that I read about who would appear to be just starting down this path. "That's almost exactly how it started for me!" I could tell them. "If you don't think you are addicted, why don't you just stop and tell me how it goes?" "Perhaps you could talk to me again each month for awhile?" My guess is that with some of them at least, after a few failures, a recognition will begin to develop that "Yes, I am powerless over lust. I need help. I can't do this on my own!"
In our discussion tonight, one of the members recalled his sponsor telling him "All of the steps are easy, except for step one". Now, I'm not sure I could say that, but I would say that in my limited experience, no step is harder. It took me 37 years to achieve it. It's one thing to say the words, another entirely to feel them from the very depths of my soul.
And now that I have, I have found it to be "the magic key that opened the door and set (me) free". (from The White Book)
Before, I had been trying two options. I would either express my obsession by acting out, or I would attempt to contain it by white-knuckling or by abusing substances. The more I tried these two options the worse my addiction got, relentlessly progressing to more and more dangerous practices.
I wasn't aware of , or couldn't bring myself to truly believe in a third option; surrender. The paradox of surrendering to be set free. What a wonderful concept to those of us who have experienced it! I did it 70 days ago, and I repeat it regularly.
I see myself in the middle group of addicts. I am benefiting from the sacrifices and learning of the previous generation of recovering addicts. I have not yet lost my wife or children, my job or my home. I have however, caused a great deal of suffering on the part of loved ones, especially my dear wife. I have lost years that might have been spent more fruitfully. Many good works that will remain undone, because the time to do them has come and gone.
Nevertheless, there is a great deal of hope for the future, both for myself and for my loved ones, that I might be able to help another break the bands of addiction a lot earlier than I did. I am feeling frequent, intense outpourings of the Spirit. I am beginning to regain self respect, and confidence before the Lord.
Quoting from the Book of Helaman in the Book of Mormon Chapter 12 vss. 23-24 "Therefore, blessed are they who will repent and hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; for these are they that shall be saved. And may God grant, in His great fullness, that men might be brought unto repentance and good works, that they might be restored unto grace for grace, according to their works."
I am thankful for the men and women who have gone before me and are now showing me the way. MAN am I thankful for you. Really, really thankful! I know I am just getting started, but I also know that at last I have found the trail head. I am on the right path. My love goes out to all of you who read this! Good night!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Missed Opportunities
I finally made it onto the blog list! Yeah!
I had an interesting interaction yesterday at work.
In the health care fields it is widely understood that healthy young men don't come in to see the Doctor unless something is wrong with their private parts. Of course, that is never listed as the reason for the visit. That is usually "cough", "general physical", "allergies" or some such thing. I have heard of practitioners making bets as to to how many minutes it will take a man to get brave enough to get around to talking about his penis.
So yesterday, as I looked at the empty chart of a mid-twenties-something year old male who had come in for a "physical", I was wondering to myself what the real reason for the visit was.
His vital signs looked good. He looked healthy, trim and fit. I asked him, "So, you're just here for a general all around physical exam?" He answered "Yes." I didn't want to waste a lot more time so I asked more pointedly, "Is there anything about which you are particularly worried right now?" He took a deep breath and said " Yeah. Lately I haven't been able to maintain an erection for more than a minute or so. Is that normal?"
I had guessed correctly. Something WAS wrong with his penis. Now there was a time, not very far back, that I would have whipped out my prescription pad and written a prescription for Viagra so fast that you would have had trouble seeing me do it. He would have then been out the door.
Armed with my new-found knowledge of addiction however, I decided to go with a different round of questioning. "Have you been under a lot of stress lately?" And he answered, "Yes, I think so." "So, what do you think has been causing the stress? Job? Are you not getting along with your wife? Or is it something else?" I asked. So he explained to me that his relationship with his wife had been strained. She had even gone so far as to accuse him of cheating on her, which he swore he had never done.
So that gave me the idea to ask him, "Have you been mentally faithful to your wife?" He said, "No." And then I went out on a limb and said, "I have noticed that when I have looked at pornography, that my wife, through some seemingly magical spiritual connection, seems to know right away that something is wrong. Would you happen to have a habit of viewing pornography?" He blushed a little bit, but admitted that yes, he had been viewing quite a lot of it for the past two months, precisely the same amount of time that he had been having trouble with his wife.
To make a long story short, I then talked to him about many of the things I have learned so far in my recovery. Incredibly, he was VERY open to all of it. He seemed excited about going to his wife and explaining to her what the root of his problem was and that he wanted to get past it by being honest with her and their pastor, and if need be, a 12 step program. I came away from the experience wondering how many other times I could have helped a man and a family with a similar problem if I had only had eyes to see it.
I had an interesting interaction yesterday at work.
In the health care fields it is widely understood that healthy young men don't come in to see the Doctor unless something is wrong with their private parts. Of course, that is never listed as the reason for the visit. That is usually "cough", "general physical", "allergies" or some such thing. I have heard of practitioners making bets as to to how many minutes it will take a man to get brave enough to get around to talking about his penis.
So yesterday, as I looked at the empty chart of a mid-twenties-something year old male who had come in for a "physical", I was wondering to myself what the real reason for the visit was.
His vital signs looked good. He looked healthy, trim and fit. I asked him, "So, you're just here for a general all around physical exam?" He answered "Yes." I didn't want to waste a lot more time so I asked more pointedly, "Is there anything about which you are particularly worried right now?" He took a deep breath and said " Yeah. Lately I haven't been able to maintain an erection for more than a minute or so. Is that normal?"
I had guessed correctly. Something WAS wrong with his penis. Now there was a time, not very far back, that I would have whipped out my prescription pad and written a prescription for Viagra so fast that you would have had trouble seeing me do it. He would have then been out the door.
Armed with my new-found knowledge of addiction however, I decided to go with a different round of questioning. "Have you been under a lot of stress lately?" And he answered, "Yes, I think so." "So, what do you think has been causing the stress? Job? Are you not getting along with your wife? Or is it something else?" I asked. So he explained to me that his relationship with his wife had been strained. She had even gone so far as to accuse him of cheating on her, which he swore he had never done.
So that gave me the idea to ask him, "Have you been mentally faithful to your wife?" He said, "No." And then I went out on a limb and said, "I have noticed that when I have looked at pornography, that my wife, through some seemingly magical spiritual connection, seems to know right away that something is wrong. Would you happen to have a habit of viewing pornography?" He blushed a little bit, but admitted that yes, he had been viewing quite a lot of it for the past two months, precisely the same amount of time that he had been having trouble with his wife.
To make a long story short, I then talked to him about many of the things I have learned so far in my recovery. Incredibly, he was VERY open to all of it. He seemed excited about going to his wife and explaining to her what the root of his problem was and that he wanted to get past it by being honest with her and their pastor, and if need be, a 12 step program. I came away from the experience wondering how many other times I could have helped a man and a family with a similar problem if I had only had eyes to see it.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Begging Pardon
I should like to sincerely apologize for the offenses incurred with my last entry, as well as some of the comments that I have made on other's blogs. I am relatively new to the 12 steps, and have broken traditions to only speak of my own recovery rather than make assumptions about the recoveries of others. I truly regret that I may have hurt some feelings. It wasn't my intention. I have a lot to learn. I have shown arrogance and excesses of pride in my opinions. I have come to learn that I also have a lot of co-dependent characteristics. I fear that I am bound to make a lot more mistakes on my path to recovery, and beg your patience with me. I would not seek out contention, but would rather avoid it.
Since I am a newly recovering addict, it is to be expected that I would make mistakes in my recovery efforts. I view this blog as a record of said mistakes, and I hope that it will help others coming along after me be able to avoid them.
On a happier note, I have not been struggling with lust, or acting out for more than nine weeks now! A significant amount of the credit for this success I attribute to the selfless posts of the bloggers on the LDS addiction recovery blogs website. They help me to keep my focus, and to not let any of the little distractions in my life get to me. Many of the bloggers have been very kind to me, and encouraging. This includes addicts and wives of addicts, among others.
I have also felt great fellowship from the members of my Sexaholics Anonymous group. They are great guys and teach me so much through their shares!
I have set a new goal to study the Scriptures for 30 minutes each day. I have been praying earnestly each and every morning and night. I have fasted for the past three Sundays on behalf of the addicted and their spouses as well as for other loved ones.
I visited with my bishop on Sunday about my addiction and the SA organization. While I had visited with my past bishop about my struggles, this was my first with the new bishop. I let him know about this blog, as well as about the other blogs. He was not yet familiar with any of them. I am going to continue to meet with him at least monthly, if possible.
Our plan in SA this year is to study one of the twelve steps each month. My personal goal is to work each of the twelve steps during this same period of time.
Have a blessed and peaceful night, full of love and joy.
Since I am a newly recovering addict, it is to be expected that I would make mistakes in my recovery efforts. I view this blog as a record of said mistakes, and I hope that it will help others coming along after me be able to avoid them.
On a happier note, I have not been struggling with lust, or acting out for more than nine weeks now! A significant amount of the credit for this success I attribute to the selfless posts of the bloggers on the LDS addiction recovery blogs website. They help me to keep my focus, and to not let any of the little distractions in my life get to me. Many of the bloggers have been very kind to me, and encouraging. This includes addicts and wives of addicts, among others.
I have also felt great fellowship from the members of my Sexaholics Anonymous group. They are great guys and teach me so much through their shares!
I have set a new goal to study the Scriptures for 30 minutes each day. I have been praying earnestly each and every morning and night. I have fasted for the past three Sundays on behalf of the addicted and their spouses as well as for other loved ones.
I visited with my bishop on Sunday about my addiction and the SA organization. While I had visited with my past bishop about my struggles, this was my first with the new bishop. I let him know about this blog, as well as about the other blogs. He was not yet familiar with any of them. I am going to continue to meet with him at least monthly, if possible.
Our plan in SA this year is to study one of the twelve steps each month. My personal goal is to work each of the twelve steps during this same period of time.
Have a blessed and peaceful night, full of love and joy.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
No big deal?
I am going to attempt to explain something that I hope will be helpful to the suffering wives of lust addicts. I hope I don't mess it all up and offend everyone! I am not nearly as articulate as the majority of you awesome sisters seem to be, and I have more trouble forming my thoughts into lucid sentences and paragraphs. I can't speak for our sisters who struggle with pornography addiction and I don't know whether what I have to say will apply at all to them and their relationships, so I speak on behalf of the guys mostly.
It probably won't make any sense at all to you. And it shouldn't because it's insane. It may go against every feeling that you have ever had on the topic.
Let me be clear that I no longer feel the way that the men I am about to describe feel. I know better now because of what I have experienced in my own marriage and even more because of what I have learned from your blogs.
Your actively addicted spouse didn't or doesn't see his viewing of pornography as being unfaithful. That is why he is a little bit shocked at how severely you react when you find out about it. He knows it is wrong, yes. He knows it will make you unhappy if you know about it. That's one of the reasons why he works so hard to keep it hidden. But it doesn't quite FEEL like cheating to him. He may have even told himself "Well, at least I'm not cheating on my wife".
How could this possibly be? To nearly every woman that I've seen or heard from, it seems very much like a betrayal of the marital vows. It causes her to curl up in a ball of anguish and tears. And her husband watches, baffled.
Addicted men seem to feel that the fantasy associated with pornography and masturbation is a lot closer to just thinking about it than actually doing something about it. Like the difference between thinking horrible angry thoughts of how you are going to get even with someone who has offended you, and actually doing something horrible to that person; it feels like the former rather than the latter. I don't know if it's because of the testosterone coursing around in our veins, some evolutionary (if there is such a thing) difference, or just the early start to the masturbatory fantasy life of most males, but we don't really (at least initially)get the hurt that it causes our spouses.
Now, I have no way of proving my next hypothesis. I am not seeking to justify the sin, rationalize it, or minimize it, and I may be a complete idiot, but my suspicion is the following: If you were to reverse the roles, if it were the wife confessing the addiction, my guess is that the husband would be surprised, because he would have been sure that his wife was a bastion of virtue, he might begin to have some self esteem issues, or other questions, but he would most likely not be curl-up-in-a-ball devastated. He most likely would not see it as a very serious threat to the relationship. (Even if, knowing what we all now know about addiction, it actually WAS a serious threat.)
I do not mean to imply by this that husbands are more forgiving than wives. I certainly don't mean to imply that wives are wrong for feeling the way that they do. In fact, I feel that wives are absolutely right for feeling the way that they do. It is offered only as an observation, an opinion which you may take or leave as you wish. And if I'm right, I would further guess that it is because we would have been deluded by satan.
Looking back, I see now how satan (I don't capitalize his name, intentionally) uses this tactic to achieve his objectives, which are essentially to destroy the family and to cause misery.
What starts out as an innocent discovery of a bodily function progresses one small step at a time, from thoughts to images, to more and more graphic images, to flirtations to...this...to....that...to....the other thing...and onto...the affair or the prostitute or other perversion. By the time he realizes that he has moved well beyond a harmless fantasy, he feels trapped and hopeless, lost in a world of uncontrollable lust. By this time those flaxen cords have become the strong cords spoken of by Nephi.
Now how do I end this entry on a positive note? Where is the hope in all of this?
It starts here, in the book of Moses 6:55, in the Pearl of Great Price, where "the Lord spake unto Adam saying: Inasmuch as thy children are conceived in sin, even so, when they begin to grow up, sin conceiveth in their hearts, and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good."
At some point that addict is going to taste the bitter. It's going to be rammed down his throat until he's choking on it. In recovery, the term for that is "rock bottom". He then has a choice to make. He may act wisely, deciding that he'd like to try something sweeter, acknowledge his powerlessness and turn toward God, or he may "kick against the pricks". The Lord will never remove his agency.
If he elects to acknowledge his powerlessness and reach out to God and his Savior, there is a great deal of hope! We pray that that day will come before the swath of destruction is so long and wide that he loses his family and everything else of any real value. There is no sure way of knowing whether or not that will happen, or if it is destined to happen, when.
There may be clues, however. The Spirit may be whispering to you that the prospects are good.
Or there may be behaviors that are simply intolerable and demand immediate protective action. I have come to the conclusion that some relationships are just out and out rotten on nearly every level. I do not condemn those who have extricated themselves from such relationships. As addicts, we are NOT free to choose the consequences of our sins. From my experience so far in Sexaholics Anonymous, I have seen several instances in which a separation lead to a rock bottom, which lead to recovery. My present thinking, which is subject to revision, is that whatever a wife can do to get her husband to rock bottom speedily, may be the best way to stop the hemorrhaging. How to go about that? I can't say. Listen to the Spirit.
Continuing in Moses 6:57, "Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God..." and vs. 59, ...."even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory."
I'm in the midst of that cleansing process now. I'm counting on the blood of the Savior. The pain is not yet over, though things are really, really looking up!
I expect to not ever forget the sting of the hurt that I have caused or felt. I do however, envision a day where I will feel completely forgiven. I also expect to have a greater amount of empathy for my struggling brothers and sisters.
I know that I am an addict, and that addiction is "cunning, baffling, and powerful". I am striving to prepare myself against that day when I am confronted again with a strong temptation. I know that day will come. But if the past two months are any indication, I am also coming to know that I can live virtually my whole life without having to "go there" in my mind. That is giving me GREAT HOPE for myself and for others.
To all of you awesome folk out there: I LOVE YOU!!!! Peace, brothers and sisters! Have faith! Have hope! Have Love! Dan
It probably won't make any sense at all to you. And it shouldn't because it's insane. It may go against every feeling that you have ever had on the topic.
Let me be clear that I no longer feel the way that the men I am about to describe feel. I know better now because of what I have experienced in my own marriage and even more because of what I have learned from your blogs.
Your actively addicted spouse didn't or doesn't see his viewing of pornography as being unfaithful. That is why he is a little bit shocked at how severely you react when you find out about it. He knows it is wrong, yes. He knows it will make you unhappy if you know about it. That's one of the reasons why he works so hard to keep it hidden. But it doesn't quite FEEL like cheating to him. He may have even told himself "Well, at least I'm not cheating on my wife".
How could this possibly be? To nearly every woman that I've seen or heard from, it seems very much like a betrayal of the marital vows. It causes her to curl up in a ball of anguish and tears. And her husband watches, baffled.
Addicted men seem to feel that the fantasy associated with pornography and masturbation is a lot closer to just thinking about it than actually doing something about it. Like the difference between thinking horrible angry thoughts of how you are going to get even with someone who has offended you, and actually doing something horrible to that person; it feels like the former rather than the latter. I don't know if it's because of the testosterone coursing around in our veins, some evolutionary (if there is such a thing) difference, or just the early start to the masturbatory fantasy life of most males, but we don't really (at least initially)get the hurt that it causes our spouses.
Now, I have no way of proving my next hypothesis. I am not seeking to justify the sin, rationalize it, or minimize it, and I may be a complete idiot, but my suspicion is the following: If you were to reverse the roles, if it were the wife confessing the addiction, my guess is that the husband would be surprised, because he would have been sure that his wife was a bastion of virtue, he might begin to have some self esteem issues, or other questions, but he would most likely not be curl-up-in-a-ball devastated. He most likely would not see it as a very serious threat to the relationship. (Even if, knowing what we all now know about addiction, it actually WAS a serious threat.)
I do not mean to imply by this that husbands are more forgiving than wives. I certainly don't mean to imply that wives are wrong for feeling the way that they do. In fact, I feel that wives are absolutely right for feeling the way that they do. It is offered only as an observation, an opinion which you may take or leave as you wish. And if I'm right, I would further guess that it is because we would have been deluded by satan.
Looking back, I see now how satan (I don't capitalize his name, intentionally) uses this tactic to achieve his objectives, which are essentially to destroy the family and to cause misery.
What starts out as an innocent discovery of a bodily function progresses one small step at a time, from thoughts to images, to more and more graphic images, to flirtations to...this...to....that...to....the other thing...and onto...the affair or the prostitute or other perversion. By the time he realizes that he has moved well beyond a harmless fantasy, he feels trapped and hopeless, lost in a world of uncontrollable lust. By this time those flaxen cords have become the strong cords spoken of by Nephi.
Now how do I end this entry on a positive note? Where is the hope in all of this?
It starts here, in the book of Moses 6:55, in the Pearl of Great Price, where "the Lord spake unto Adam saying: Inasmuch as thy children are conceived in sin, even so, when they begin to grow up, sin conceiveth in their hearts, and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good."
At some point that addict is going to taste the bitter. It's going to be rammed down his throat until he's choking on it. In recovery, the term for that is "rock bottom". He then has a choice to make. He may act wisely, deciding that he'd like to try something sweeter, acknowledge his powerlessness and turn toward God, or he may "kick against the pricks". The Lord will never remove his agency.
If he elects to acknowledge his powerlessness and reach out to God and his Savior, there is a great deal of hope! We pray that that day will come before the swath of destruction is so long and wide that he loses his family and everything else of any real value. There is no sure way of knowing whether or not that will happen, or if it is destined to happen, when.
There may be clues, however. The Spirit may be whispering to you that the prospects are good.
Or there may be behaviors that are simply intolerable and demand immediate protective action. I have come to the conclusion that some relationships are just out and out rotten on nearly every level. I do not condemn those who have extricated themselves from such relationships. As addicts, we are NOT free to choose the consequences of our sins. From my experience so far in Sexaholics Anonymous, I have seen several instances in which a separation lead to a rock bottom, which lead to recovery. My present thinking, which is subject to revision, is that whatever a wife can do to get her husband to rock bottom speedily, may be the best way to stop the hemorrhaging. How to go about that? I can't say. Listen to the Spirit.
Continuing in Moses 6:57, "Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God..." and vs. 59, ...."even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit, and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten; that ye might be sanctified from all sin, and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world, and eternal life in the world to come, even immortal glory."
I'm in the midst of that cleansing process now. I'm counting on the blood of the Savior. The pain is not yet over, though things are really, really looking up!
I expect to not ever forget the sting of the hurt that I have caused or felt. I do however, envision a day where I will feel completely forgiven. I also expect to have a greater amount of empathy for my struggling brothers and sisters.
I know that I am an addict, and that addiction is "cunning, baffling, and powerful". I am striving to prepare myself against that day when I am confronted again with a strong temptation. I know that day will come. But if the past two months are any indication, I am also coming to know that I can live virtually my whole life without having to "go there" in my mind. That is giving me GREAT HOPE for myself and for others.
To all of you awesome folk out there: I LOVE YOU!!!! Peace, brothers and sisters! Have faith! Have hope! Have Love! Dan
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Whatever it Takes
One of the things that indicates that a person is going to have success battling addiction is that the person has an attitude of being willing to do "whatever it takes" to overcome it. 7 mtg.s a week. A terrifying confession. Expensive counseling. Prayer and scripture study. Blocks on electronic devices. Giving up TV. Changing jobs. Whatever it takes!
I've been attending 1 mtg. per week and understand that I will have to do at least that for the rest of the foreseeable future, blogging, reading recovery literature, praying, reading scriptures, talking with spouse and adult children and have an appointment with the Bishop on Sunday. All of that might not be enough for you. But I am determined that if I should have a slip, my wife will know about it, my Bishop will know about it, my sponsor will know about it, you will know about it, and then I will do whatever else I have to do to get back right with God ASAP.
Today marks the 60th day of Sobriety. That's cool, but strangely doesn't seem to hold overly much meaning to me. You see, I still have lifetime left to go. What IS cool, is that now I have confidence that I can do it. I have no urge to look back at a doomed city. I am no longer thinking about what awesome image I might miss if I give up my addiction. I can SEE myself leaving it all behind. Forever. It makes me sick to even think about where I have been. I'm not going back to that place.
There are some really COOL things that come along with recovery, and I'll get to them in a minute. I'm using the word recovery because that's actually what I am in. That's what makes it easy. White knuckle sobriety is hard. The first week of sobriety was white knuckled. I was staring at the bottle on the table determined not to take a drink. That can have some value. After a week of white knuckling, despite the difficulty, I began to feel a certain amount of self respect. That helped move me into recovery. I had one other moment 3 weeks later where I was channel surfing in a hotel room (always dangerous) and saw a bedroom scene (no nudity) that threw me into a full blown panic. I did not act out. I turned off the TV. I Shook and cursed myself for being so stupid. That was the last time, and I am determined to keep it that way. It was a powerful learning experience.
Now for the COOL things. My wife has become impossibly beautiful. She didn't have to diet, get lipo or get implants. She didn't have to get a face lift or dye her hair either. I look at her and want to stare into her eyes. I want to breathe her breaths. I even want to watch her eat! Remember that? She's having to get used to this new person. Heck, even I am having to get used to him! She wants to believe he is real, but it might take awhile. I am OK with that. I can see her starting to believe. I can feel it. Things are better back in the bedroom as well. She's happier. I am happier. If you are a struggling addict, you have something to look forward to! If you are a struggling spouse, you also have something to look forward to!
And, not only has my wife become beautiful, all of the other people in my life have too. Because now I am looking, trying to figure out where their heart is at, and what I can do to make that heart feel better. I don't care if she is an eighty year old with no teeth and a mustache. She's beautiful to me! Beautiful! Imagine being in a world surrounded by that type of beauty! It's amazing!
Guys (and gals), it's worth the effort. Give it up to the Lord. Let Him take over your life and make it worth living again. Let Him shoulder your burdens. He's waiting, ready to do it if you'll let him. I love you all! Have a great day!
I've been attending 1 mtg. per week and understand that I will have to do at least that for the rest of the foreseeable future, blogging, reading recovery literature, praying, reading scriptures, talking with spouse and adult children and have an appointment with the Bishop on Sunday. All of that might not be enough for you. But I am determined that if I should have a slip, my wife will know about it, my Bishop will know about it, my sponsor will know about it, you will know about it, and then I will do whatever else I have to do to get back right with God ASAP.
Today marks the 60th day of Sobriety. That's cool, but strangely doesn't seem to hold overly much meaning to me. You see, I still have lifetime left to go. What IS cool, is that now I have confidence that I can do it. I have no urge to look back at a doomed city. I am no longer thinking about what awesome image I might miss if I give up my addiction. I can SEE myself leaving it all behind. Forever. It makes me sick to even think about where I have been. I'm not going back to that place.
There are some really COOL things that come along with recovery, and I'll get to them in a minute. I'm using the word recovery because that's actually what I am in. That's what makes it easy. White knuckle sobriety is hard. The first week of sobriety was white knuckled. I was staring at the bottle on the table determined not to take a drink. That can have some value. After a week of white knuckling, despite the difficulty, I began to feel a certain amount of self respect. That helped move me into recovery. I had one other moment 3 weeks later where I was channel surfing in a hotel room (always dangerous) and saw a bedroom scene (no nudity) that threw me into a full blown panic. I did not act out. I turned off the TV. I Shook and cursed myself for being so stupid. That was the last time, and I am determined to keep it that way. It was a powerful learning experience.
Now for the COOL things. My wife has become impossibly beautiful. She didn't have to diet, get lipo or get implants. She didn't have to get a face lift or dye her hair either. I look at her and want to stare into her eyes. I want to breathe her breaths. I even want to watch her eat! Remember that? She's having to get used to this new person. Heck, even I am having to get used to him! She wants to believe he is real, but it might take awhile. I am OK with that. I can see her starting to believe. I can feel it. Things are better back in the bedroom as well. She's happier. I am happier. If you are a struggling addict, you have something to look forward to! If you are a struggling spouse, you also have something to look forward to!
And, not only has my wife become beautiful, all of the other people in my life have too. Because now I am looking, trying to figure out where their heart is at, and what I can do to make that heart feel better. I don't care if she is an eighty year old with no teeth and a mustache. She's beautiful to me! Beautiful! Imagine being in a world surrounded by that type of beauty! It's amazing!
Guys (and gals), it's worth the effort. Give it up to the Lord. Let Him take over your life and make it worth living again. Let Him shoulder your burdens. He's waiting, ready to do it if you'll let him. I love you all! Have a great day!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Credibility
I had an affirming experience at work today.
I am a non-physician health-care provider, a PA. I see patients four days a week in 10 hour shifts. I figure that I have had at least 10,000 patient encounters in the past 4 years. I ask patients questions about smoking and alcohol consumption, among other things.
Today I interviewed a very pleasant 40ish yr. old patient for a routine physical and asked her about smoking. She admitted to 2 packs/day. Her boyfriend was with her and confirmed the amount. I was a little bit surprised, because she looked pretty good in spite of the heavy smoking. Then I asked her about her consumption of alcohol. She said that she usually had about a 12-pack of beer. "You mean, per week?" I asked. "No, every day." she responded. Then I said "They told us in school that one could usually safely double the amount that people admit to. Is that true in your case?" "Yes." she said. I then gently asked her if anyone had ever mentioned to her that her drinking might be a problem. "Yes." she admitted. So obviously, it would be an understatement to say that she has a drinking problem.
So all of that is routine, and pretty much what I am expected to do. Then came the part that was new for me, and pretty cool. She was obviously reaching out for help by admitting the extent of the problem. Perhaps she could sense my non-judgemental attitude. I responded to her as I would hope someone would respond to me if I confessed my own addictions. I told her that there was a 12 step meeting of alcoholics anonymous in town. I looked her in the eye and admitted to her that I had my own addictions and went to a twelve step meeting every week and that it was really changing my life. I could see the wheels beginning to turn in her head and her countenance soften. From that point on, she seemed to take every word I said very seriously, as if she intended to take all of my advice.
So, maybe that doesn't really sound that exciting to you! To me though, it represents a real change. It is the start of moral authority, or credibility. My prior, actively addicted self would have had virtually none of it. As I identify more and more with recovery, and less and less with active addiction, fear is leaving my life. I am preparing myself for the day when people ask me about my addiction and recovery. I know that it is just a matter of time before someone I know reads this blog. I intend to be ready with answers to what before would have been extremely uncomfortable questions. I am actually looking forward to being able to explain the reasons I have to hope, and to be ready to steer them into the right paths.
I am a non-physician health-care provider, a PA. I see patients four days a week in 10 hour shifts. I figure that I have had at least 10,000 patient encounters in the past 4 years. I ask patients questions about smoking and alcohol consumption, among other things.
Today I interviewed a very pleasant 40ish yr. old patient for a routine physical and asked her about smoking. She admitted to 2 packs/day. Her boyfriend was with her and confirmed the amount. I was a little bit surprised, because she looked pretty good in spite of the heavy smoking. Then I asked her about her consumption of alcohol. She said that she usually had about a 12-pack of beer. "You mean, per week?" I asked. "No, every day." she responded. Then I said "They told us in school that one could usually safely double the amount that people admit to. Is that true in your case?" "Yes." she said. I then gently asked her if anyone had ever mentioned to her that her drinking might be a problem. "Yes." she admitted. So obviously, it would be an understatement to say that she has a drinking problem.
So all of that is routine, and pretty much what I am expected to do. Then came the part that was new for me, and pretty cool. She was obviously reaching out for help by admitting the extent of the problem. Perhaps she could sense my non-judgemental attitude. I responded to her as I would hope someone would respond to me if I confessed my own addictions. I told her that there was a 12 step meeting of alcoholics anonymous in town. I looked her in the eye and admitted to her that I had my own addictions and went to a twelve step meeting every week and that it was really changing my life. I could see the wheels beginning to turn in her head and her countenance soften. From that point on, she seemed to take every word I said very seriously, as if she intended to take all of my advice.
So, maybe that doesn't really sound that exciting to you! To me though, it represents a real change. It is the start of moral authority, or credibility. My prior, actively addicted self would have had virtually none of it. As I identify more and more with recovery, and less and less with active addiction, fear is leaving my life. I am preparing myself for the day when people ask me about my addiction and recovery. I know that it is just a matter of time before someone I know reads this blog. I intend to be ready with answers to what before would have been extremely uncomfortable questions. I am actually looking forward to being able to explain the reasons I have to hope, and to be ready to steer them into the right paths.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Trials (but just little ones)
It was a good week, on balance. I did not have any significant problems maintaining my sobriety. That doesn't necessarily mean that it was an easy week for me, though.
I have a tendency to glom onto things. Like when I learned to ride the unicycle. I stayed up until after midnight night after night, in the dark and in the cold, until I got it.
Well, I have sort of glommed onto the blogs, and made some people uncomfortable. To those individuals I apologize. Please forgive me! I will scale back my comments.
I am pretty much overly sensitive. I always have been. I think that has always been a part of my addiction process. I get unsettled very easily. I get sad easily. I feel rejected easily. I take correction only with great difficulty. That can lead me to want to numb it out with acting out.
The good news is that now I understand that, and am better equipped to handle it!
I've heard that it can be helpful for the lust addict to pray for person(s) that they are lusting after. I have stopped cold turkey, so haven't really had a chance to practice that. I hope I never do! But, I figured if it would help in that situation, perhaps it would help to pray for anyone else that I had unsettled feelings with. And guess what? It's working!
I went to my SA meeting tonight. I was elected librarian! So you see, I am a winner! ha ha. I get to purchase literature for the group store. I am feeling like the group is accepting of me. I have written and revised my first step presentation, and expect to be able to give it in a couple of weeks. I am enjoying the meetings, and always get a lot out of them.
I have a tendency to glom onto things. Like when I learned to ride the unicycle. I stayed up until after midnight night after night, in the dark and in the cold, until I got it.
Well, I have sort of glommed onto the blogs, and made some people uncomfortable. To those individuals I apologize. Please forgive me! I will scale back my comments.
I am pretty much overly sensitive. I always have been. I think that has always been a part of my addiction process. I get unsettled very easily. I get sad easily. I feel rejected easily. I take correction only with great difficulty. That can lead me to want to numb it out with acting out.
The good news is that now I understand that, and am better equipped to handle it!
I've heard that it can be helpful for the lust addict to pray for person(s) that they are lusting after. I have stopped cold turkey, so haven't really had a chance to practice that. I hope I never do! But, I figured if it would help in that situation, perhaps it would help to pray for anyone else that I had unsettled feelings with. And guess what? It's working!
I went to my SA meeting tonight. I was elected librarian! So you see, I am a winner! ha ha. I get to purchase literature for the group store. I am feeling like the group is accepting of me. I have written and revised my first step presentation, and expect to be able to give it in a couple of weeks. I am enjoying the meetings, and always get a lot out of them.
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